As the time flew....

So much time has passed us by. How did i get where i'm at? when did this all happen?? Was I sleeping or very much aware of what was going on?

I love him. I love him more than I think I've ever loved a guy before. It hurts though. Never thought I could love someone so much that it hurts. I know he loves me too. Strangest part is that it's only been 4 months.! 4 months was all it took to make us feel like we've been together for years. I don't remember the last day I went w/o seeing him. lol. It's driving him a little crazy though...he didnt expect this to happen. He's so drawn to me that it's making him frustrated. I like it :)

I miss all my friends though. It saddens me that I havent seen anyone in a while. I'm not doing it purposely though, i promise. Ive just been so wrapped in work and him. I need to breath. I want to breath. I want to remember that I had a life of my own once. I realized how dependent I am on him. If he leaves, I don't know what I'd do. that scares me a lot. I need to take a breath and join the world again...just to remind myself that I once existed independently. It's been a few hours, and I already miss him. WHat the heck is wrong with me!? lol I think I've found HIM. God, I hope i've found him.........

Does love really wait?

My schedule is so crazy since work started. I don't have many friends to talk to...and I keep hoping that they understand how hectic everything has been. I hate feeling like a bad friend, but this transition in my life is just so much for me. I love work. I love my kids, even when they are being pains in my butt! haha. But seriously, my job is so satisfying. I really do feel that I'm making a difference in their lives, and that is an amazing feeling. Some days are hard, and yes, I still come home at times and cry. But at the end of the day and your walking down the hall to go home, and kids are yelling " I love you Ms. ELizondo!"...it just melts your heart. I love them so much...i feel like I have 120 kids of my own. hhaa. it's even weirder bc I'm still so young. SO...that's how work is going. :)


Now...for my love story: Things are getting more involved. I'm still falling in love every single day. It's crazy. I had this idea yesterday that I feel like it's possible to love this guy forever. I know it hasn't been super long that we've been involved, but it's happening so fast! for the both of us! He spilled his heart to me last night as we munched out on pizza. lol. Told me how he's always thinking about me and can't take me out of his mind. He's in class teaching and little things I do pop into his head. :) Even science nerdy techniques I do...he changes from his old methods to mine! He treats me sooo good. He spoils me every single day and I love it! I'm still so scared though. What if this doesn't work out. what if we're both giving and giving and giving our hearts, and it goes no where. He wants to be with me....he can see himself marrying me, but I can't understand why he's still waiting to make it official with me. I'm having the hardest time waiting, but he told me last night that he loves how I'm being soooo patient about it all. It shows him more of my character and willingness to wait for him. If only he know what was going on inside me!! lol. I knew he was coming...i really did. I felt it deep down. He's everything I want and maybe a little more. He's the exact image of what I've always asked for in a guy. Even down to the little selfish things I want. He's white, blue eyes, taller than me, super funny, super goofy, wants to be a doctor, was a bio major too, and went to the same HIGH SCHOOL and college as me! Sometimes I think I'm in a dream. How can something so random but not random happen to me? I'm praying that I don't get too attached yet...bc we've admitted that we both are. He was here yesterday for 8 whole hours after work. That's crazy!! Time flies and we don't even notice it. lol.
Anyways...I just felt like expressing all these feelings I'm holding inside. No one really knows much bc I don't have a lot of ppl around to tell. It feels good to just release it. :)

Thanks for reading blogger friend :D

Music notes beat through my heart

I love music. I can sit in my room and soak it up and be so tranquil and just be. I love it so much. Almost too much. I feel it through my body. I feel like it's part of me. Weird...i don't know when exactly this happened, but it did. Lately, it's been where I run when I've had too much. Probably shouldnt be like that, but it is. I'm going tonight to hear this awesome DJ Shawn Mitiska. I'm a little excited and little scared. My kids will be there...hopefully no one sees me. haha.

On a different note, I've been doing really good about my heart situation. I think I'm getting tired of waiting and he saw that in me today. I'm just gonna keep living and moving and breathing. I don't want anyone to stop me or slow me down. Being w/o him is ok. :)

When did I fall?

I didn't mean to. I really didn't ever expect to either.
But here I am...standing with a whole left where my heart used to be. I think I want it back. I'm scared, really scared. I didn't expect to fall for him. Weirdest part is that we're like the same person...only we're not. I love everything about him. Even the cockiness of his personality. The only thing is that I'm not sure that either of us is ready for this right now in our lives. How do u fall in love with someone and know perfectly well you shouldn't be? I'm so confused. He's asking me to wait for him. How long is that though? how long does he need to continue his lifestyle that I want out? I need to make some really tough decisions. I need to decide if its worth staying for. What if he does the same thing to me that he's done to her. What if his commitment is never really a commitment? Gosh...i wish love wasn't so scary. I need wisdom. I need to stop giving myself to him until I'm sure he's the one I need to be giving it to. WIsh i could fast foward time. ::sigh::

Cloudy days

Man yesterday was a weird day. I was on the brink of feeling depressed and actually going through with it. I haven't really been able to feel much the past few months. I think I purposely let my heart get cold/hard. But somehow, the last few days I've been able to feel again. It's good, but on my way to work yestereday I almost had a panic attack. It was as if all the past months flashed before my eyes and I was so overwhelmed with myself. I don't know who I've become or why I've become this person. In that moment I was regretting several things I've done that lacked so much dignity and integrity that I once had. I miss that girl who held her spirits high and was confidant in herself. Just realizing how people have the ability to throw you down and take it from you sucks. I want to get back to that place where I am Amerika again. The amerika that believed she was so awesome and great. It was such a good feeling. lol.

Anyways...luis hungout with me last night and that really helped me snap out of the depressing state I wanted to sink into. I always have so much fun with him. We sat in the "wild woods" and just talked. I'm not sure I've had that much fun just talking with someone in a long time. We were there from 7:00-11:30 last night. haha Learning about people is so interesting. Luis thinks I'm hilarious/weird but it's funny. He was being so silly last night (he kept yelling "I feel so siiiillly!!" lol). I was getting a kick out of him. We talked about God. That's always great. We're kinda on the same page as far as that goes, and it's actually kind of comforting. God is good. Even if I never say it or act upon it, He is always good. :)

Good day :)

sugar sugar how'd you get so flyyy

Here at work yet again. This hell hole is almost over. Thank God!

Tuesdays are always crazy days. It's like I can't seem to spare myself the craziness, but I must admit, I love it! lol
I was supposed to go to the movies with luis yesterday, but plans changed and that didn't happen. We had our weekly celebration of tuesday. Liza's friend tanya was here from out of town and we took her out. She's been a little depressed lately, so she NEEDED a night out. I think it worked bc she said she had a blast. :)

The night was pretty fun. Liza, me, sid, tanya, ruby, ruby, popcorn, alyx, morrison, pete, and 2 random girls I don't really know made up this group of ours last night. Usually we don't go there with a lot of people, but when we do, it gets crazy. Unfortunately some people still don't know how to just chill it with the alcohol, but I guess that happens. The DJ played some pretty good old school music which made everyone want to dance. lol.
My stupid stalker was there, like always, which pretty much sucked. Him and his friends stared the whole freakin time. It was annoying. He kept coming up to me...or tried coming up to me. I was blowing him off like I didn't see him. haha. It was pretty funny. He tried buying me a bouquet of flowers too! man he's such a weirdo. lol There was this guy that usually goes there that liza and I think looks like superman. He's super handsome too! He has the whole thing down....glasses and all! Well earlier in the night I kept saying I was gonna get enough guts to approach him. haha well, I did. I just walked up to him and told him. It was hilarious. :)

The rubies got a little out of hand again. haha. crazy girls. I found out this morning that tanya and liza were telling guys that we were lesbians so that they would leave us alone. LOL! freakin girls. We eventually left back to sids house. On the way there pop proclaimed his love for me. hahahahah! so weird now that I think of it. He got me all emotional afterwards and I ended up in tears. I have no idea why I was crying, but it was super bad. Liza was trying to calm me down and make me feel better. Apparently tanya's distress from her breakup rubbed off me a little. I was angry at the world and all guys that are cowards and can't live up to promises. lol. I didn't want tanya to see me bc I was afraid that she'd start crying too. lol So, my brilliant plan was to hide behind the dinning room table in the dark. Everyone was looking for me and they started freaking out bc they thought I had wandered off down the neighborhood. haha. yeah right!

So pretty much it was another crazy night. Full of excitement and craziness, like always. haha :)

whatever do I say?

I just realized that blogs are like writing journals. I mean i know that's like a 'duh' type of thing to say, but I guess I never really thought of it like that. I might start writing like if this is my journal (if I already don't do that).

So YESTERDAY was uber fun. I went to work like usual. It was so boring. Afterwards I felt like treating myself to something new (even if I can't afford it. lol) I bought myself a new shirt that was on sale (of course). Then Luis texted me that he was out from his horrible jury duty. lol. He wanted to hangout, so I went to go get him from his house. We didn't really know what to do, so we decided to go to the park that's by the zoo. At first I thought it was gonna be kinda awkard, but I had a great time. Luis is a great & active listener. It's like he's always eager to hear more of what I have to say and he always asks lots of questions. haha. It's cute. So we talked half the time and the other half we just laughed. It was indeed a great day. There was never a dull moment. Nice time :)

Then later liza called me to tell me we were gonna have dinner at chilis. So I took luis home so he could change (weirdo), and then we were off. Dinner was ok. I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. Unfortunately it probably even looked like I hadn't. haha.

We were supposed to watch a movie afterwards, but I guess some stuff happened and we didn't. Instead, we parted our ways with liza, tanya and sid, and Luis and I were off back to the park. It is the park that sylvia and I usually make dates at, so I thought of her when I got there :) We sat on the big rocks for another few hours just talking.

Although I didn't really do much that day, it felt like a really good day. I enjoyed it :D


Now let's see what adventures I get myself into today ;)

confusion fusion

I wonder when my time is coming. Is there really a time that I'm waiting on, or do I have the ability to take things into my own hands. I think I'm pretty sure I know the answer to these questions that wonder my brain. I'm starting to be ok with waiting. I'm starting to lose interest in love and the thoughts of lonliness are settling in comfortably. The strangest part is that I'm not completely or physically alone, yet it feels like it. My heart is so unsure of what it wants, but as the days pass by, it's a little more sure than the day before. Funny that this all sounds so contradicting, but that's my mind for ya. It might just be that each day I'm realizing that what I at some points want, isn't really what I want. It's perhaps just the idea of it rather than IT itself.

But then again, I can still hear a voice in the back of my mind that tells me I need to stop being so picky. That maybe the reason I find so many faults in everyone that comes around is because I'm subconsciously wanting to push them all away. hmmm..idk anymore. I'm a screwed up girl that people have thrown around as they wished for years. I'm afraid of the one thing I want most at this point in my life, and I'm looking for someone to blame. For now, I guess I can blame myself.

There are so many beautiful faces around me and I can't seem to make up my mind. My heart pulls in almost 4 directions, and I don't know what I want. Is this just part of growing up?

silly erika, trix are for kids.

Music in my heart <33

Something new I've learned about myself lately is how much I LOVE music. I think I always have, but I guess it's just become more obvious to me lately. I love how so many different sounds can come together and create such awesomeness. It's crazy...almost seems impossible for my mind to understand.

I have this desire to write music. I know I don't know how to and can't even play an instrument, but I believe that one day this will be possible for me. I was talking to luis the other day about how much I want to do this. I guess I never really tell people, but it just felt ok to tell him. He looked at me a little strange, and then was like "me tooo!!!" lol. It was the perfect reaction. I didn't feel stupid for wanting to do something I don't know much about. He does actually know how to play instruments, which I think is awesome. There's another desire I told him, which I've never told anyone before, and he was so supportive of it bc, again, he wants to do the same thing. haha. I think those "no way, me too!!" moments are pretty funny. I'm just glad it wasn't me doing it this time. lol

I wish I could listen to music allllll day long. I want to disect it and hear each piece as it plays. Hear each instrument and appreciate it's sound. What beauty God has made. :D

There's music in my heart <333

Oh is that so....

I haven't written a blog in a few weeks....dang, I thought I was on a role. I guess there hasn't really been much time for it lately. Feels like there's so much going on and so little time to get things done.

I am no longer a college student...as of yesterday. It feels so weird. I keep thinking I'm not even done with HS yet. haha. ok, not really, but still. Now I'm a grown adult with even more grown adult responsibilities. I can't keep the excuse not to have a job or just to have a part-time job anymore. It's time to start a career...even if I don't plan on keeping that specific one for a long time.

So saturday's gonna be a blast. I'm celebrating until the sun comes up! haha. 5 years in school deserves a hell of a dang celebration (at least I think so). I already told my dad not to expect me to come home. haha. That's weird enough in itself....can't even remember the last time I had to tell a parent I was going out. But he's cool...he totally understands. Anyone interested in dancing the night away with me, let me know! (as if ppl actually read this.lol)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.----.-.-.-.-.-


Last night was awesome. I hung out with LUiza and sid. The four of us together is a trip. We went to the beach to bum around. It was actually kinda funny bc that whole day went soooo wrong in every way, but I came out alive! lol. I almost got hit by 3 different cars, locked my house keys and car key inside my car, and ran around brownsville like a chicken w/out a head. I almost wanted to tell everyone I wanted to just go home and cry. lol. But I didn't!

I've come to the conclusion that Luis is pretty awesome. He's such a strange yet cool boy. He's not like most guys, which is kinda cool. His sense of humor is so weirdddddd, and you have to really pay attn to him to get half of what his jokes are. I think that makes him more fun. lol Liza and Sid agree. I think we've officially added him to our little group of friends, but he doesn't know it yet. I'm sure he wouldn't mind though. :D

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.

babbles continued...

I had some really weird thoughts the other night. I all of a sudden couldn't remember who I used to be. It as so weird. I was trying to remember the old, better life I had once had, and I could not for the life of me remember. Do I still even know how to be that girl again? Not so sure anymore. And as weird as this may sound, I think that that might be how things are supposed to be. I think the past few months of my life are going to teach me something that'll impact the rest of my life. So do I regret everything that's happen thus far? Not really. I mean, there are several things I wish I could take back, but mostly I don't. I've had my own personal wake up call, and I want to change some things I've allowed to happen. I want to respect myself and believe in great things.

Yes....that's the plan :)

lols

The most "pathetic" thing about me is that I still put up with your crap.

grow up.

What an interesting night....

So after getting bitched at twice by boss yesterday, the day kinda ending up sucking. Apart from that, I was dyinggggggg of pain too. I announced to everyone that yesterday was the day I was gonna die, but here I am, once again. lol

After taking medicine and eating liza's mom's wonderful food, I began feeling and looking on the bright side. haha. The night was full of people that I NEVER thought I'd hang out with at the same time. lol. It brought back some memories too.

It was Rudy Marks, Jessica, Liza, Sid, me, Nathanael, popcorn, pop's random friend, and Matt. Pretty interesting group, but kinda fun at the same time. and again...I didn't pay for ANYTHING!! wonderful guys. lol. thanks rudy and Nathanael! haha

The night ended at sid's house with crazy deep conversation. Jessica threatened to beat up almost all the guys. It was hilarious! Rudy gave me advice on boys. HAHAH! Popcorn started evangelizing and nate actually wanted to hear more! Matt is insane in the membrane. Sid called me a liar which pissed me off and had me storm out angry. Nathanael came to calm me down and we ended up sitting for a while on the sidewalk down the street just talking. Then two cop cars drove by and ID'd both of us. That was the scariest part of it all. I mean, even if I'm not doing anything wrong, cops always freak me out. I was so nervous that I told him i was 23 and lived on lewis st. hahahaha. Don't know why i said that. Then we found out that the cops stalked us for hours bc when Nathanael went home, they pulled him over in front of the house! he literally drove for like 3 seconds and then the lights went up. crazy.

So, all in all, a very interesting night. lol

bc I'm bored and I CAN!!!

blog numero dos for the day. :) (it's not like i have anything else to do here at this lame job. lol)

Tuesday afternoon I got in a huge argument with Nathanael. grrrr. I was so pissed. What was more annoying is that he likes to use big words when he fights, which made me feel even stupider (is that a word? haha) I called him out on being judgemental and arrogant and he denied it all (there's way more to the story). Maybe I should've cooled down before attempting to confront him, but i didn't :/
Like always, i was manipulated to make it seem like it was me blowing this into a bit thing. It was me "having a fit" and an "episode." jerk. I'm not a little kid. lol
And again, like always, I was too forgiving. I couldn't be mad at him and we ended up being silly and laughing it off. gah! stupid boys. I'm gonna try to avoid him now....don't really want to see him anymore after that. It's time to move on....

To brighten things up, I went out with liza and luis. luiza. haha. jk. sorry.
anyways...i had sooooooo much fun! Except for liza getting a little sick, the night was fantastic! The music was wayyyy awesome for once....dj really hooked it up with great music.

Once again, I didn't spend a dime. (except for the first $2), but Luis paid for all my drinks. :)
This whole having guys make it rain is starting to turn out kinda nice. lol. Especially since I'm broke as a joke. The plan that night was to make me say "nathanael who?" haha. and heck did it work!

I think it's weird how guys have so much confidance. I was watching this video at the Vineyard last night that's about men/women. Girls are so insecure (for the most part) and guys can walk around with their heads up their behind and think they're it (for the most part...again). Why is that so? why can't we girls be as confidant as guys are? I will definitely never go up to a guy and ask him for his number or tell him I like him. & what's with the whole...guys don't care if you're with another guy...they still approach you? They're are so weird....maybe they really are from another planet. lol That night out, I had 3 different guys come up to me and ask for my number. lameeeeee. The funnier part is that all three of them asked if luis was my boyfriend. I said no of course, and ALL 3 of them were like....oh, it's bc you guys look like you're together. LOL! what the heck?! I mean I totally knew what they were talking about, bc we did kinda look like we were, but still! If a girl even 'looks' like she's with someone, why the heck do you even try?! Maybe that's why fights always start...bc guys are rude and approach girls that are already taken. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for me. lol. I wasn't with luis...so i guess my situation was a little different. At least luis isn't violent...he just stormed off outside mad and waited by my car. haha....crazy boy. :)


so, like i said...."nathanael who!?!?!?!"

lol---->for sylvester :)

When the boss gets pissed....

So today I woke up to my boss' phone call. He is pissed. Apparently the counsellor called him and told him I haven't been going. I was like 'what!?'

Yeah...the last few days of last week i didn't come. School has been frustrating me hardcore, and I have barely been able to sleep. I wanted to walk into her office today just so she could see the huge bags under my eyes and be like 'oh'. haha
So now I have to fix this, and we're having a staff meeting on friday probably so my boss can bitch us all out, if not just me. ahhhhhhhh. I'm so ready to quit already! I need the job and the money, but it feels so tempting to just walk into his office and be like...this job sucks, I quit!.

Man, I wish i had rich parents who would actually pay for my stuff. I wish I didn't have to struggle to always make ends meet. These little things make me excited to start working as a teacher (if i can even afford to get certified). After that, money won't be an issue and I can live comfortably. God please speed up the time. I'm getting ready to fall off the cliff :/

A case of the Mondaysssss

It's monday..... AGAIN!~

I almost skipped out on work today...but decided to get my lazy self up and just go. It was so tempting. I love how my mind knows how to manipulate itself. It gives me the best reasons to ever. And then I think...wow, did I really just come up with that?

haha. so yeah.

It's 4-freakin-20 today! gosh bagosh, the memories. lol I had a sudden urge to celebrate. I mean, not by getting baked or anything like that, lol, just hangout with some friends. It feels like a holiday one should at least attempt to celebrate. What a waste of a fake holiday that would be. I should make up my own holiday....hmmm....it could be brilliant. no? ok.


Well, after realizing that it's 420, i realized that i graduate in less than a month! that's freakin crazy! I'm readyyyyy. Now all I have to do is bare with the last few weeks I have left. It's gonna stink, but it'll be soooo worth it.


Good day my friend, good day :)

Soft and Sweet

Dear blogger friend,

why oh why do my days feel so long? In reality, am I really doing anything productive?
::shrugs shoulders::

not feeling myself so much lately. I want to be hyper again....someone make me hyper. However, I've been hanging out with alyx a few days this week and that's been awesome! He met my friend Johnny W. I think they'll be great friends. lol

I need something new in my life. Something to excite me and make me giddy. ::looks off into the distance with her hand above her eyes"....nope. nothing there.

ok, well...back to the studious stuff I've been doing.

Talk to you later buddy :)

As the sun goes down....

I don't care what anyone says, I think the Fast and the Furious movies are the cooooooolest ever! lol I just saw the new one, and I'm in love. Maybe bc I wish I could ride fast and furiously. In the movie, someone gets runover by a car and I yelled "awesome!' lol. I'm weird, I know. Maybe I secretly want to be a criminal. haha. jkkkkk.

Anyways. I'm supposed to be doing my homework and test that's due by midnight tonight, but I can't seem to make myself do it. gah!

I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately. My life is going in a direction that I dont think I saw coming...at all. I met up with my hs bff tanya on friday night in mcallen. It was awesome! I love/miss her soooo much. Nathanael took us to this weird redneck place, but she came anyway!! lol. So...basically, the plans are still to move to mcallen. I thought I was leaving the valley, but have decided that just leaving btown is decent enough for now. Plus my first year teaching should be somewhere close. Tanya's lease with her other roommates is up in august, so I'm moving in!!! yeahhhhh!!! I'm really excited! I think it should work out well. :)

but all in all, I still sit here wondering where my life is going. I still don't know, and that kinda bothers me. I know that God knows what He's doing, but what if I'm taking my life into control just a little. ::shrugs shoulders:: I hope I'm making the right choices. I'm wondering who I've become and who I'm supposed to be. I wonder when/where my life is gonna really start moving in some direction. Did I meet all the right people along the way as the years past by. Were any mistakes, were any absolute fate? I guess there's really no use in questioning things. Someone told me last night that I need to stop wasting my life. I'm young...I need to just live. hmmm....i dont know about that. lol

And the story of life continues.....

La La Land

I had the weirdesttttttttttttttttt dream last night.
I have no idea why I dreamt what I did, but i have mixed feelings about it.
Talk about hardcore randommmmmm.
There were different people in my dream....many who I never ever ever see, or hardly see mixed with people that I do see. The hardest parts to understand are the ones with the people that I don't talk to. And then those 2 groups of people that don't or hardly know each other KNEW each other! haha. The emotions that were shared in the dream were so weird. In real erika life, I don't feel ANY of the feelings I said or felt in the dream. LOL. I guess it made me kinda laugh when I woke up, yet it also made me a little confused.

Crazy dream Erika! Get your crap together!! :)

The last few weeks of dreams have been soooo weird. I'm starting not to know what's real and what is dream. I don't understand why I can't tell the difference. I walk around thinking something actually happened, then later realized it was just a dream. It's so odd.

Someone please wake me up!

Rising

Last night was nice.

God is good.

That was the topic of the discussion last night. A room full of almost strangers, all of whom life has treated differently. Some admitted to being scared to believe that statement, some never able to deny it.

My turn came around (I almost felt like I was in an AA meeting. lol). The only thing that resounded in my spirit was "always and forever." They kept saying it..."God is good," and all I kept hearing inside me was "always and forever." I tried explaining why I believed this statement was true. It wasn't hard to explain. It's not because I've always heard that phrase or bc people tell me to believe it, or I feel I have to believe it. I just truly do. It's in His character, it's in His nature. Every single thing that God has ever done throughout history is proof of His goodness. I can read about it, witness it, or whatever, but it IS true.
Some people can look at my life history and think I've had an unfortunate story growing up. I don't. I acknowledge that God has always been there in every situation, every moment. He's the One who has me where I am today. Even if I don't get what I want in life, even if I don't get prayers answered and I don't see life going my way. I want to be humbly His. I want all selfishness inside me to diminish. Yes, the impatient and disappointed part of me come from time to time, but nonetheless, I'm still always His and will wait if I have to. I don't want to want the things that God doesnt want for me. He's sees a bigger picture in the end. He's sees many things I can't see. That gives me hope though, bc knowing that He knows what's in store for me seems to ease my soul. My mind says "as long as someone knows, then I'm safe." lol. & who better than the God Almighty :)

I spent the afternoon in the prayer room. It was amazing. I woke up yesterday feeling like I just wanted to soak in His presence. Well, I was able to and it was awesome. I literally laid on the floor and just let Him love on me. I don't know know how I was down and out, but losing track of time while being with Him is always great.

"It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it in the end. The moment I see your face, it's gonna be worth it."

-God hear the cries of my heart. Hear the longings I have for you. I know that in the end of this life....it's gonna be worth it. All the turmoil, all the pain, all the fighting violently....when I get to see Your beautiful face...it'll all be worth it. <3

Good day gone bad.

(this is a generalized blog, intended for no one person...just an expression of my emotions today)

I hate judgement. If I could yell it from the roof tops....I would!
Lately, I've been wanting to go back to the simple things of life. Back when I first fell in love with God. Back when I knew my heart wanted nothing more than to be with the King! I mean, isn't that what christianity is all about? Loving God, being in union with God. If you're in it for the people, then please recheck yourself. I'm tired of hearing so many people complain about christians (including myself). Is a christian's first focus about the people around us, or is it about God. I never went in to this whole thing because I wanted to make friends and hope that everyone was loyal to me. I went into it with a desire to know more of the Heart that so longed for me. When our motivations die out because we're hurt or we're lonely or confused, then where did that first love focus go? (again, this includes me in every way)

My heart is lovesick. In all transparency...it is. I'm longing to be with my one True Love again. He's been telling me lately that He misses me. I believe that's true with every part of my being. I have these longings inside of me that no one knows. And frankly, I could care less if anyone knew, bc in all reality it doesn't matter if a single soul knows. Only Him. Even if it takes me a decade, He will always be waiting for me. Always helping me to overcome one mountain at a time. That's who He is! He never gives up on a single soul...even when all humanity does. When not a single soul agrees with us, when not a single soul is there to help or understand us. That's who I fell in love with! With the God that gives and gives and gives of Himself daily, yearning for each one of us to just grasp on. To take it and run.

I know I've been running from Him for a couple of months. To tell you the truth, that action was never complete. Everytime I stood on my two feet and got ready to sprint for it, He always stood right in front of me. Even when I was down right rebelling...His voice was always in the back of my mind, my heart, my soul. To this day, He hasn't ceased to do that. I don't care if I'm not perfect and I'm not doing everything right. Judge me, I don't care anymore. Think of me as weak, I don't care. Think of me as foolish! I don't care!!! Bc the moment I look up at Him and ask Him what He thinks of me, all I get is "beauty!" You see, He still sees me as lovely as He ever did in all the years I've been with Him. No mess I put myslef into will ever EVER change that. So go ahead, all you discouraging voices, go ahead and lose hope in me and judge me. Say I'm not a "good christian," talk about what you don't like about me...I really don't care.

All things are going to work out fine in the end. I have faith in this. I have faith in Him.! I'm slowly but surely getting my act together, and He's giving me hope. And this is what He does for every person. He wants each person to prosper. He thinks these great things of every child of His. It's not only me, it's all people. He sees more to them than we will ever see. He knows more of them than you or I will ever know. So please don't act like you're so righteous above all others. People don't think you have a right to judge anyone, bc YOU DON'T. He's the only righteous Judge there will ever be! Let HIM deal with each one of us...it isn't your place.

I want to fully know what the Love of God is. What it feels like to be so full of love that it changes the way my mind thinks. That it makes me love the people around me so much. That it makes me see more in people...potential in people, instead of judging them for their mistakes.

This is a desire of my heart.

The blue sunrise

----------------------------------------------------

I made manacotti bake last night for the first time ever in my life. It was part of the weekly dinner night we're having now. If I may say so myself, it was freakin amazing. Of all the italian foods I've learned to cook, it was by far the best yet! :) We even had red caberet wine to compliment the meal. lol

Dinner conversations are always interesting. The discussion for the night was life. Those are always fun, but they can also be a little overwhelming. From the four of us (Liza, Sydney, Nate, and I), not one person has things figured out. It's kinda funny, but I guess that's "emerging adulthood" for ya.

• Where do you want to live?
• What's a good age to get married?
• Would you have a prenup?
• What happens if you get divorced (I made a point to say at that point that this is NOT happening for me. lol. If you marry me dude, you're stuck. I'm sorry :) ]
• What's a good income to make to live well/pleasantly?
• Do you want to travel?
• What's a good age to have kids?

Yea...pretty deep stuff. lol. But nonetheless, interesting to hear what each person had to say.

I think I realized last night that being single/childless is pretty awesome. I'm gonna start my teaching job in like 4 months (ahhhh!!) and will be making around 44-46,000/year starting off. That's pretty awesome considering I'm unwed, childless and freeeeee!! lol. I always said (plz don't laugh) that I wanted to get married by the age of 23. Well, I'm turning 23 in 2.5 months. LOL. I mean, technically I still have like 1.2 years until I'm officially 24. Anything could happen at this point...seriously. The only thing I want to wait longer for is kids. Not that kids mess things up, but it's hardcore obligation. Not to mention they are expensive as heck! lol ---I want to travel soooooo bad. Still planning my trip to Europe next summer. Would be cool to have someone to join me though.

Nathaneal suprised us all last night. Said he's done with the whole "not giving a shit" attitude he's had since he's been back from the military. Supposedly he had a great conversation with the sister on his way back from Austin this weekend. I knew she was a smart girl, despite what people may think of her. =/ I for one am so glad. That attitude is part of what got us in trouble. lol. No elaboration needed. He said he wants to care now, said he needs to start taking things more seriously. He realized that having a serious relationship and getting married isn't possible if he's stuck in his so called "coping" mode. It sucks that he feels he has to box things up in order to cope. I told him it only makes things worse. hmmm...hopefully he sees the bigger picture soon.

I on the other hand have been making some really spiffy decisions. I want to shapen up and snap out of this phase I'm in. I never wanted to be here...it just kinda happened I guess. Despite what anyone thinks, that is the truth. It's just hard sometimes I guess. I've never been and will never be perfect. I guess trying to be that can getting overwhelming sometimes. But I don't need to be perfect. God sees my heart and my desires for him (even if my actions fail to prove that sometimes), and He works with it. I know one day I'll be so much further than all this. It just takes faith. Faith to believe that my life is in His hands.

At this point, it looks like we're all on the same page. God please help us. :)

The heart of a woman....

Last night we cooked dinner. It was interesting. As I sat down at the dinner table, everyone talking and enjoying the meal, I had a sudden memory. It reminded me of when a bunch of us were just like that. Morris, Erika, Syliva, Alyx, Omar, Herby, & Rudy. I remembered the days when we would gather like a little family and eat dinner or hangout until the wee hours of the night. It felt nice last nice to have that "family" feeling again. It's different for me since I don't have any family to see on a daily basis. Eating by yourself and being alone gets kinda boring after a while. Dinner was delicious. Conversations were humorous.

As we were hanging out cooking, I realized that I have the silly heart of a woman. I love cooking & being feminine. I really do, lol. I'm the type of girl who longs to be submissive to someone. I want to be able to express this form of love to someone. Liza and I were talking about it the other day. I want to do it without being told. That really upsets me if the guy acts like a jerk and demands of the woman. He deprives her of her ability to express a type of love that is unlike any other. Let her want or desire to please him and serve him. I really want to do that. Over the past few years, I've realized I have a lot of motherly characteristics about me. I think I learned it from my mom. She was like that a lot, and I guess maybe it just rubbed off me a little. One of the good qualities I got from her. lol
Nate thinks it's cool how I love to cook. He says it's admirable. On top of being his "favorite" person and his "hero times 2," lol, I think I liked that comment the most. Unfortunately, he's beginning to know me a little too well...knows I don't like being told what to do. I said "I want to be in the kitchen as long as I'm not told to be in the kitchen" and then proceeded to walk towards the kitchen. Jerk replies "get in the kitchen Erika." As he expected, I turned around and walked right back outside. I'm glad he gets a kick out of my stubborness. lol. At least someone does. haha

Anyways, Long blog short, I really do like being a woman. I think despite some of the hard parts of being a woman, I am really glad I'm able to be that. It's going to get here someday, I still believe that. I'm gonna be able to show someone this love....and it'll be a great desire coming from my heart. Thank God He placed this inside of me. :)

Knowing truth from lies

They tell me to give up on you, to let you go, to move on, to forget about it all. They tell me I'm so much better than all of this, that I deserve someone better, that things will change if I let go.

At this point, I'm not sure what my mind believes anymore. I know ev.one is trying to help with their encouraging words and whatnot, but I'm not sure my mind wants to agree with any of those things they say.

How exactly am I supposed to forget? I mean, I know it's possible to forget it all...in time of course. But what do I do when the memories are still so real. I guess that's what I get for pushing my boundaries with you and letting you in a little too far. Dang, I never thought I'd be in this place again...not so soon I guess. Maybe I really am a fool. A fool who believes in love but always screws it all up so as to push love away in the end.

I'm a little apathetic today. I hope this goes away. =/

No luck of the Irish

I'm not irish.
I have no luck, or maybe luck doesn't exist. St. Patrick's day was a blast....well, at least towards the end. The beginning of the day started out kinda crappy. I woke up feeling like I wanted to fall into depression. Nothing new, I know, but I hate that feeling. It went away though...no worries. Lovely sylvester stopped by my work and cheered me up. :)

So, in one of my last blogs I stated that I was trying really hard to get out of a sticky situation I was in. News: I'm out. I had been praying that God would do something drastic to get me out. It almost felt as if that was the only way I would get out. well, it happened. Drama up the crapper, but it happened. Hence, part of why the depression wanted to settle in, but I had to realize that I had been asking God to do it for me. praise Him, He is good!

I wish people would learn to value the feelings of others. Friends need to be real friends. Real friends are considerate of others. Even if they make mistakes, they don't disappear or act like they could careless. If that's the type of friendships people want to offer me, then please skip by me. I'd really rather not have that in my life.

Also, what's up with the excuses given for people who backstab you? Really? Does that even sound fair? I mean, I totally understand that we all have issues, but that should in no way devalue the emotions of the one hurt. That is no excuse for behavior. Seriously, take your issues and shove 'em somewhere far away, bc my feelings still exist. I've come to the conclusion that most girl are rotten. They all hate each other and care for nothing but themselves. I'm sticking to the last few I have left and adding no more. The drama can disappear for all I care. Hmmm...who knows. Maybe it's a brownsville or s. tx thing. Are there seriously not enough boys here for girls to take. Or is it something that becomes hyper-attractive. "Let's start talking to that guy...there's a girl in his life, but who cares. I want him. Goal:get him" Kinda disappointing i guess.
OR...!! maybe that's MY luck. haha.

no worries. I always get over it (eventually). lol
end of blog :)

Continuation of my lovely rambles :)

I'm at work right now. I'm so bored out of my mind, and I get off in 30 minutes. So I'm just gonna write :)

So there was this guy I met about a month ago. dun dun dun! haha. ok sorry. anyways...yeah. He seemed really great when I first met him. He was funny, real, and a tad hamsome. lol. Well, things started going in a direction that scared the crappers out of me. So I did this silly thing where I told him that we were non-exclusive. LOL. Seriously, in my mind (at the time) it seemed like the perfect thing to do. I thought I was protecting myself or something. I'm not so sure about that idea anymore. haha. I told him I was just having fun meeting new people and stuff and what we had going on...meant nothing. I feel like a retard now but whatever. So...now he's acting like a jerk. I don't like him at all anymore. He's showing a side of himself that I don't like at all. Maybe this is who he really is, and I just didn't know. Maybe I caused this but oh well. what's done is done. In fact, I did myself a favor and deleted his number last night. Others say I was just being hormonal, but I was dead serious on this decision. I'm not gonna repeat another chaotic relationship of ups and downs. Nope...I won't be that girl. I just feel kinda bad bc I wished we couldve been good friends. I will inevitably see him a lot...this I know, but I'm gonna try my best to act cool. Like nothings wrong and nothing was ever there. LOL. i guess wish me luck. haha

I'm not walking away....

I'm in such an awkward place in my life. I guess nothing is really "wrong" with me, I'm just a little conflicted. lol. whatever that means. I've been very distant from church and stuff for the past month. Not for any particular reason, but I just havent been around i guess. I honestly can't even remember the last time I went to church. That doesn't mean I still don't communicate with Dad, it's just that I guess I wanted to get away from people or something. The idea of "church" and what it's supposed to mean...seems like an idea so lost by a lot of people. I know, I know...you might say "well erika, then do something about it." but I say no thanks. not now. I can't even figure out my own life, how could I possibly make a difference. lol

I love God with all of my heart, soul and every part of my being. He definitely deserves to be praised forever! I started realizing something lately--who I am doesn't and wont ever change who HE is. I know that should be an obvious reality, but i guess I was a little slow on that one. Even though I might never achieve "perfection," He is still perfect, and that perfection of Himself lives right inside of me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and thinking that I need to live up to all these standards and labels and expectations. I want to live in union with the Almighty. I want to reach a place where I stop doubting myself and the people around me. Life is what it is.

On a last note: For anyone who knows what's been up with me lately...I'm trying really hard to stop all the crap. I promise. I guess I'm not doing an awesome job at it, but my heart is willing. I thank God that my heart is willing, and that He sees that in me. It's just hard. The people are great people, but I'm just having a hard time saying no. I hope all this stops soon. I'm being stubborn and can't make up my mind. Thank God for His mercy. He is good indeed!

The ones I want

The ones I want are never really the ones I want. I wish I could realize that stuff sooner. I always get lost in lala land and then sometime later I no longer want it anymore. Not only that, but now I'm getting frustrated bc the ones I don't want always want me. Ughhh. This cycle is exhausting. lol

I need to stop getting infatuated. ahlsjdflsjdflkjsdlksj :D

I'm hurt

I'm hurt and I'm refusing to say it aloud. I hate how I let people let me down and push me aside. I know I'm important...I guess maybe not to some people. I'm tired of being the one to call and text and invite. If not even that, being ignored tops it all off with a cherry! I hate getting no answers back or having my efforts just put aside. I feel like a total loser doing that. So, in the past month or so, I've decided to just stop. If I'm important then I would see a different outcome. I guess I'm saying I'm done. I'm done trying with everyone. Screw this crap.

I need a friend right now, a friend to talk to and help me. I look to my left...then to my right...even up in the air. I find none. How sad. =/
I guess even when family has ups and downs, they are the only ones that prove to be there forever. I should've realized this long ago.

I barely know you

Statistics bites, But I'm really good at it. =D (just some random FYI)



Last week was crazy. My mind seemed to hate me terribly & I was beginning to agree with ev.thing it told me. I think all these psychology classes is taking me a little on the looney side. Unless I was already there ::shruggs shoulders::

"Erika...be proud of who God has created you to be. Let go of all your fears...they only slow you down. Be confidant that His promises will come to pass & His declarations over your identity are Truer than life itself."

I guess maybe waiting is hard sometimes. We want things that we want & we want them here and now! But it doesnt work like that silly goats. I thought that I would know better by now, but I'm only as human as the funny dude sitting in front of me at this moment.

Ministry, family, job, & other expectations from life will come when God says it's time. So for me...I'll keep waiting. I'll keep waiting even when I find the cutest baby clothes or walk into Carter's to shop for my nephew/soon to be neice. I'll keep waiting even when I see couples walking by me everyday. I'll keep waiting even when I see the teachers as I pass the halls of my high school. I'll keep waiting even when I drive by the beautiful homes other people own.

I know life will fall into place, but being anxious does absolutely nothing for me. If certain relationships work out (as I hope they do lol) then that's great, but if they do not...then so be it.

Help me God to be patient and help me control my emotions more. You are Good. <333

Life philosopher

I wrote this autobiography for one of my classes, and my teacher returned the graded papers the other day. I got a perfect score. I love writing. My teacher says I remind her of a life philosoper. haha. it made me smile.

Well....i don't feel really good today. I woke up today and thought...man I'm not a good person. I don't know why I feel like this today but I do. I'm trying to ask God what good has He put in me...to show me, ya know? But it's kinda hard for me to hear Him I guess. OR maybe I'm choosing not to hear.
Life is great. I have everything I need/want right now. God is blessing me & it's awesome.
But these things don't satisfy me completely. There has to be more to life than all this, All that's around me & all that I see. I want something deeper, but maybe I'm not a good enough person to get it. I know it's a lie...plz don't remind me. Dying to your flesh is hard sometimes. I know it's possible...but it's difficult if you're stubborn like me. =/

I have some very important decisions to make in the next few months. Decisions that will change my life, I'm sure. I don't know what to do...I'm so confused about several things at this point in my life.

ehh...i guess that's life. God is still ALWAYS good. =D