What is love anyway?

I've been hearing a lot about relationships lately. People all around me seem to be having "love issues." Some claim to have fallen out of love, some can't get enough of the love they want from their person. ::sigh::
It all seems so pointless these days. So now I ask myself...what is love anyway? God is great & I know He loves me. So why does all other love seem so disappointing. Or maybe that's exactly why...bc His is so perfect that no one can live up to it? Heck...idk!

I'm just tired of seeing my friends settle for love that is obviously pointless. Love shouldn't be so complicated. When you want to be w/someone....just let it be. If there's too much drama and issues involved, then maybe you should reconsider your situation.

I guess for me, I just want to live life to it's fullest. Cheesy? maybe. But I think it's possible. It is possible to be in love and have it work out great. I believe it is no matter how disfunctional every other relationship seems. God is Love. He's the example that I should be trying to express to someone else.

Hmm...who knows. I'm still hopeful :)

Over & done :)

Goodbye. Goooooodbye! & it feels so good.

I think I'm done with it. No more recurring maybe's. I am free as a bee & love it. December never felt so right. New seasons are starting to roll in & God is faithful always.

I'm nervous for you. Haven't felt like this in a while....
If nothing at all, at least I know I can feel again.

Praise God. <33

Sofa King Cold.

[lawlz!! bon I heart youuuu <33]

Point:

I've been thinking lately that I'm glad I'm an adult. Adults can make whatever decisions they want. Life is their's for the taking & no one (usually) can convince them that they have to do something...unless it's the law or something along those lines.

I like being an adult. I don't have to answer to anyone for why I do what I do (except for God on almost all occasions). I don't have to feel guilty or like I'm some little girl who's gonna get in trouble if I don't do what people want me to do.

Yay for me! I guess aging isn't so bad afterall. :)

The fondest memories

Today was FINALLY my lunch date with my old bestfriend. Man do i love her. We went to eat, but ended staying at the place over 3 hours. haha. It was crazy. I think the people wanted us to get out already. Anyways...we had a great talk. We caught up, 1.5 years worth of catching up.



She told me about the job that I have waiting for me in Mission. It seems cool...I'm grateful to God for His goodness. I think it's awesome to have the offer w/out even being graduated yet.



Then...we started talking about our old memories. It's so funny how you can hold so many things in your brain. We had memories for every year since 2004. We were a couple of crazy girls back then. I couldn't believe I would do half those things, but I do think it's super funny. She kept reminding me of all the things I did, and I did the same for her. A couple of weeks ago I went out with my cousins, and one of them told me that she thought it was so cool that I have experienced a lot in life. At first I was like...hmmm...I'm not sure I follow, but then she explained. She said that she admired how I've traveled and had roommates and just lived my life. I guess I never thought of it like that. I thought everyone had the same opportunities as me. But then I realized that's not true. & that's what I brought up to tanya today. Although we've been some crazy kids, I can eventually end my life knowing that I lived a good one. I've done things and gone places that not a lot of people can say the same thing for. And the best part of it all is that I still have many years to finish this whole life thing. I'm still young, despite the many comments I make about being old, and I want to just live my life to the fullest.

Moving to McAllen sounds exciting. Tanya is great & it'll be great to be closer to her again. She's that person that can make 1.5 years of not seeing ea. other seem like a day. I love it.



At the end of our conversation, we talked about the infamous Med School thing again. I was always so passionate about it, but I guess the rocks in life have slowly drained that from me over the past couple of years. I realized that I still have the desire deep down inside, and I think I'm gonna let it rise. I want to be successful. Not that teaching or any other bacchelor's degree isn't successful, but it's just not MY type of successful. For me personally...it's not for me. SO, we decided to take our MCAT again in 9 months, and we're going to apply to med school next year. I'm so excited! I know I can do this...I believe in myself & I'm not letting anything/one get in my way this time around. I WILL be a doctor. If not, I can at least say it went down with me giving it all I had. I know I have more to give. I really do. :)

So long, Farewell.

Hmm. I have this feeling that my blogger personality is slowly disappearing. It seems like eventually this blog will cease to exist. I guess it doesn't matter tho. I find that soon there will be no urge to blog. I don't really care so much anymore to write. Idk...it's weird. So..I thought I'd write about how I don't want to write :)

Life is spinning fast it seems. I'm trying to slow it down and just take a good look at it, but it's a bit hard. I like where things are headed, but it's just all happening so fast. I want to look back...so bad, but I'm choosing to keep my gaze ahead. If I believe things are great...then things are great. haha. I find myself being my own psychologist from time to time. I guess that's how ppl cope. When good things are so close that you can almost smell them, you want nothing less than to keep holding on. God please hold on to me as I hold on to you (the best I can).

ok. farewell, goodbye.
& as my horrible govt. teacher says..."GOOD LUCK!!!" :)

Je ne vous pas travailler

Hellooooo.



I'm cold...as usual & extra tired today. I fell asleep at like 9 something last night...so I thought I'd be well rested, but I guess that didn't go in my favor. =/

I started my new job on monday. I love it. I think my favorite part of it is my co-workers. They are so much fun! haha. Except the first day was a little weird...since i was the "new girl." One of the guys, Robby, told me that I needed to sweep and mop the floors when I got there. Haha. what a meanie. I ended up working with a couple of them in summer, so my previous association with them qualified me to be "cool." haha. They ended up hiring like 4 new people, but I was the first to start working. I'm kind of glad bc I'm used to doing some of the stuff already & everyone else is all confused. =D

I FINALLY got to talk to my friend tanya this past week. She was my very first real bestfriend. We went to high school together & became the best of friends. She was the one that taught me a lot of things I know...some of them not so good. haha. But I love her so much. Even though we don't see or talk often, everytime we do seems like we started just where we left off. We have a date next weekend..so I'm so stoked! On top of that, she talked to her boss at the school she works at, and I pretty much have a job offer at Mission High School for the fall. How awesome is that?! &&& the pay is $46,000/year! Yay me! I think I'm going to take it. So...moving back to brownsville is looking to be temporary now. I'm grateful that God opens so many doors. & also glad He closes others. Leaving the old things behind sounds better every day. I feel like I can finally start moving foward. I knew I'd do it eventually, but now the idea is turning into action. I'm excited to meet new people & just finally be stable financially.

This is a great week. :)

No comment.

I titled this blog "no comment" bc in the real world today, i made no comment on a situation, but that doesn't mean that i can't have one in blogger world. :)

Well, I found out today that my (just turned) 19 year old sister is 2.5 months pregnant. She came home today after being gone for over a week bc she had just come from her doctors appointment. I've noticed that she put on weight recently, but i guess i wan't to give her the benifit of the doubt. I failed.

This is her 4th pregancy or so. Might be more that I'm unaware of, but she has always had miscarriages. I guess this one looks like it's staying. You see, if you knew my sister, you'd know that she is lost in her own little world. She knows everything...so please don't tell her what to do. She's 19!! gosh...didn't you know that 19 year olds know everything?! haha. i kid. i kid.

If you remember from a previous blog, she isn't speaking to me. So, I didn't find out from her...my mom told me after she left the house. I feel like I have mixed emotions about it. Or...more like no emotions. The only thing I kept doing was laughing. Idk why, but i just think it's so funny.

A couple of months ago she told me that I was falling behind. That her and my brother will be married before me. That she wants to be a "trophy wife" & blah blah blah. I told her "You might be married with kids, but I'm the only one with an education and a REAL job. Love will come when it's time. I need my life in order"
Silly sister erika. Don't you know that being on medicaid, foodstamps, unemployment, no degree whatsoever, being pregnant is how real americans do it these days. Haha. I'm sorry but this will not be my life. I have more to live for, more to look foward to & so on.

I feel sad that she's so naive. It's sad to see that she's following the footsteps of my mother and father (minus the drugs). It's like she's repeating my mom's whole story again. poor sister. She's in my prayers...even if she hates me.

The WEIRDEST part of all this is as follows:

Back in march I had a dream that I was pregant. A day later I found out that my friend was pregant. I was kinda shocked bc it seemed too much of a coincidence. Well, 2-3 weeks ago I had a dream that I was pregant again!! & lo & behold, my sister is pregnant. The weird part is that I told my sister about the dream the last time and the new one and told her how someone i knew ended being pregnant. She laughed & said "so do you think someone you know is going to be pregant?" haha. Yes little sister...i guess it was true =/

Goodnite lovelies :)

Rain Rain Go Away

I have class in 30 minutes, and it's pouring outside =/ I have no umbrella today. Please stop raining. PLEASEEEEEEEE.

I'm in tandy & my class is in north. I was here bc my new boss wanted to meet with me since I start work on monday. Goodness, I'm so stoked! The only thing i've been worried about is the fact that I don't speak much spanish. I can usually get by, but I'll be working on campus for a while until they transfer me to the schools. Spanish is a must here, so I'm a bit scared. I want to practice my spanish, but I need some help. Anyone want to be my tutor? haha

So the news is that I'm most likely moving back to brownsville very very soon. Hopefully sooner than I thought, but if later, I'll be patient. I was listening to the prophecies spoken over me at IHOP a couple of months ago last night, and I was crying like a baby again. Butttt....not for the same reasons I was before. You see, everything they spoke to me then...hadn't happened yet, and now I find myself months later....& God is proving most of them to have past already. I'm so in love with God. He told me what I would be expecting when i came back home, and I don't think I took it all that serious. Now I'm here experiencing EVERYTHING He said, and it's almost shocking. It shouldn't be...bc I know He's soooo faithful, but I guess when it's in your face, it's almost hard to believe.
Even though everything feels like it's loaded on top of me, I have this sense that things are cooling down. I feel a peace swooping over me & let me just tell you, it feels great!

Something happened yesterday which might enable me to get a temporary car, and I found myself asking God why he didn't make me aware that this option was there earlier. He basically put me in my place and said..."Bc you had no idea what I was doing. Do you see now? Do you get it now?" So then I felt kinda silly about questioning Him. But then I got so overwhelmed (in a good way) bc I was like "wow God, you are so amazing. I'm like a clueless goof over here, and You're like...amazing God up there." haha. My conversations with Father are always interesting. He likes them though....it's our little moments. :) I've decided to wait. He told me in Kansas City to wait wait wait on Him. I guess I got a bit impatient & even forgot that He told me that.

Down note: I lost my cigarettes & lighter the other night when we were at starbuckers in harlingen. grrrr to me. I have another pack...but stilll. boooo. It was a nice red lighter that I bought in KC. =/

Also, I love adriana. She's uber cool. :)

------------------------------------------------

In 9 months I should be starting my teaching job. Wowzer Ca-bowzer! I'm excited for that toooo. Things will definitely be so much calmer when I get to that point. In a sense, of course. I'm going to find a super nice apartment & live with my dog porkchop. haha. It'll be great. :)

Good day friend, good day :)

Confusion fusion.

This past week has been so long & hard & stressful.
I spent exactly one week at my cousin's house. I needed the air from being at my house.
Things are always so chaotic there. Everyone's always fighting. Everyone's always mad. It's just not the best place to be. My sister told me last week that she never wanted to speak w/me again. She said I wasn't her sister anymore. My mom likes to hug me whenever she finds the alcohol in her drink kicking in. My stepdad reeks of alcohol 24/7. & I'm....well, I'm just there in the middle of it all.
I'm confused about a lot of things I feel. My dad called me last week and yelled at me like I was 5. I'm so tired of this crap...or maybe just his crap. He talks to me like he has some say in my life...which he doesn't. I'm 22 years old and grew up most of my life w/out him. It angers me to think that he acts like I owe him something. He's my father by no choice of my own, so I'm going to respect him for giving me life. BUT....that's it. I don't want a relationship with him. After He called, I was so upset that I started crying at the store I was at. I hate how he can manipulate my emotions so easily. So I've been comtemplating on a decion....I want to erase him from my life. I haven't answered any of his phone calls since then...& there's been like 30. No joke. He leaves voicemails everytime, but I just erase them w/out listening. God is enough of a father & mother to me. I don't think I need him in my life bc I've come this far w/out him. But part of me feels like that is just mean. I'm here caring about what he feels, when he never did that for me. *sigh*...idk.

I realize that I have many emotions of my own, and frankly, I can't handle everyone else's as well. I want things to be somewhat back to how they were. I'm so confused by people, I'm starting to not even care to try anymore. It's annoying & hurtful. I'm sorry that you have issues, but so do I. If things never go back to normal...well then...I guess they don't. I just want to live life w/no regrets and live it to it's full potential. I don't need to be worrying about who wants to be in my life and who doesn't. I could care less bc in all honesty, maybe you don't deserve me there to begin with. I don't know how to say I'm sorry enough or to fix what maybe I've broken. I'm human & there's only so much I can do. I'm asking God to help me everyday.

Even though my emotions have been on the weak side lately, I still feel God comfort me everytime I lay down to sleep at night. He lets me know that everything will be ok. I love how He's so giving of Himself. I wish I could give more sometimes...but I know He sees my heart's intentions. So yeah.

On the plus side, sylvia's coming home soon!!!!! She's one of the few people that I feel still actually cares about me. I miss her. =/

All in all, God is good. I'm going to fight this fight I was born for & live out my calling. I refuse to let these things be the death of me physically or spiritually. I will come of this alive. In Jesus' name.

It came & went

I have a point to this blog, but first i want to mention something funny that happened to me a bit ago:
So I'm at my cousin's house..have been since tuesday, and my uncle called me to tell me that someone was going to be cutting the yard so not to get scared. Then he called to tell me that he forgot to lock the back door, so he wanted me to go check it. Then he said...& can you please take out the jug of water in the fridge & a glass for the man. I was like..sure.
I walked out and put it on the table outside, and when the man turned the corner, I told him it was there. Ok...so I didn't really say it like that. I did something that I never thought I would do in my life. You see, this man looked pretty mexican. So, at first I said 'hello' but then something in my mind triggered the "he's mexican erika, talk to him in spanish" switch in my brain. I don't think that switch has always been there to be honest. I think moving to brownsville did it to me. haha. So anyways, I did it. I was prejudice. I spoke to him in spanish telling him the water was there for him to drink. But that's not the worst part...after that. He said "ok, thanks"
haha. I felt like a retard. I hope I didn't make him feel weird. I forget that I'm in harlingen & that no one here speaks spanish. haha. It reminds me of all the times that people did that to me when I first moved to brownsville. lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyways....to the point of today's entry:

6 months ago exactly, on May 7th, I made a vow. I told God that I wasn't going to date or talk to any guys for 6 months. I don't know what I thought exactly was going to come out of this, but I did it nonetheless bc my heart wanted to. You see, this was really big for ME. I can't remember the last time I went through life not 'having someone there.' & six months?! what was I thinking...I'm 22 years old.! haha. silly erika. You think such idiotic things.

So...I went into this thinking that it was going to give me a chance to be alone with God. I don't know how I didn't think or suspect that He'd be up to something with this. haha. He's so funny. Well, He was up to something alright. It's over now, this vow of mine, and for the last 2 weeks I thought I was going crazy or something. I couldn't figure out why ev.time someone mentioned relationships, I freaked out. I was like...no not me. To be honest, I even forgot for a little while that I was on this vow. haha. Wow...erika actually failed to realize that she was alone w/no one there...and was ok with it? yup. I was. I even remember telling people the last few months that being single was so awesome. Who would've ever guessed. haha
So....God totally wrecked me inside out during these 6 months. I can truly say that I am someone new. I don't feel about myself the old things I used to....which ultimately never allowed any relationship to grow. They were like blocks in my life. God would not allow me to have a healthy relationship bc I WASN'T ready for one. Now I find myself more confident than ever before. I'm not scared anymore to let things happen. I'm not scared to let someone other than God love me. I'm just not scared. I guess that song by Jason Upton proves it's words true "In your presence, all fear is gone." That's what I did...I stayed near to God...stayed in ONLY His presence, and all my fears disappeared. He is soooooooo good!

Well, long story short....He told me that I'm ready. ahhhhhhhhhh!! I didn't even think that was the point of going into this vow. I thought I'd just...become more intimate with Him. But that's God for you, always suprising us with better interests for us than we have for ourselves. I love Him so much! He's the best dad a girl could ask for :)

& the winner is....

I decided to name my new puppy :

Porkchop.

I think it suits her well, and I think she likes it very much.

I call out her name to her, and she looks up at me and tilts her head. haha.

So ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! :)

Thanks for your help....

@sylvia: I don't know how i didn't come up with those names myself. You clever girl, you!. <33

This is my new puppy! She's 6 weeks old. She's half shih tzu and half weiner dog....

I still don't have a name. =/

Some suggestions so far are:

panfillo

panfilla

(after quickly being told it was a girl. haha)

and tortilla.

Please help me!!

btw...the other dog in the background is her sister. She's nameless aswell and likes to cuddle. she belongs to my cousin...

And there he is.............<3333

& I must say....

last night I was up until 4am.
He kept me up.
I almost forgot what it was like to stay on the phone that long/late.
Hmmm...& suprisingly, I was up pretty fast at 6:30, despite my obvious lack of sleep.

"A butterfly is only a butterfly after it stops being a catapillar." haha.
I think we could have come up with a million & one of these stupid/obvious/retarded facts that could one day seemingly change someone's life. haha

----------------------------------------------------

vulnerability. hmmm. been thinking a lot about this, especially after my phone conversation last night.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. Not at all. It kinda scares me, to be honest. But there's just something inside of us that can't help but be vulnerable sometimes. I realized last night that I want to be vulnerable. As much as I say that I don't like it, I find that I am choosing to be just that. I'm allowing myself to be open to every possiblility & part of me is ok with that. Sometimes some of the best things come out of being vulnerable. Like...with God. If I choose to be completely vulnerable with Him, I'm not losing out on anything. It's still scary though, because I'm down here saying..."do with me what you want, Lord." & He does! I came across this saying yesterday..."If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" haha. that's funny.
So I find that the best relationship I've ever had with God....came out of being completely vulnerable to Him.
So........I'm thinking..........if I do that in general with other relationships......would the outcome still be the same? Feel free to voice your opinions...I like hearing them :)
I also realized that being hurt by someone isn't the worst thing on earth. haha. kinda late? yeah, i know. =/ but anyways, seriously, it's not. If I went into something giving it every opportunity just to see if something great could come out of it, I don't think I'd regret getting hurt. I'd rather want to be able to say "at least I tried" than to say "I never tried at all...bc I was scared."

So...I'm open to anything happening this time. I'm not afraid to let myself feel what I really feel anymore. Because afterall, God is in control, and He can do whatever He wants in my life. So I'm gonna try not to be afraid to let my REAL emotions show anymore. I'm not afraid to stand against what everyone says in their "advice" bc it is MY life. I don't want to worry about what everyone else wants for my life...who I should be...who I should date....who I deserve. In my heart, I know what I want.

So...I guess I'm on my way............

Counselling session numero uno ;)

goodness.
I've been wanting to blog since last thursday but haven't been able to. grrrr.
I was at the library with about 2 hours to spare, and someone (name omitted) came and started talking to me. I kept saying that I had some stuff to do online but the person never got the hint. I was soooo annoyed. ugh.

So here i am...4 days later....

..........................................................................


Last week I learned how to break up with someone.
It was pretty hilarious to me, but very much informative too. haha.
So..I've decided to share a bit of my knowledge with whom ever would like to hear. :)

It isn't called breaking up either...it's called...moving on with maturity. haha
First of all, you have to use "I" language. To help the person in their greiving process, you have to give them reason on account of YOU. Let them know how YOU need to move out of the relationship and YOU are bascially the problem.

side note: I asked...what if the person cheated on me? I sure as heck wouldn't use I language. It's THEIR fault, and I'd pretty much let them know. My teacher just laughed at me.

Next, You have to give the person space. If we keep ourselves around the person and try to stay "friends," then problems will start. Even if you want to stay friends with them, there must be a certain amount of space between each other. Each person needs to grieve bc if not, we will always go back. Proximity tends to drive relationships. Even if we don't like the person, after a while, you learn to like them. haha. I think that's kinda funny.
We can never truly stay friends with our ex's. We can be civil and talk when we see each other, but the concept of friends has been lost. At least in most cases.

Beware, bc after a while, you will begin feeling lonely. THis lonliness can be mistaken for missing the person. It might not be that you want to be with them, but you have found yourself feeling alone, and that can be an ugly feeling.

I know i've probably missed a bunch of points, but this is all i could remember right now.

So be practical ya'll. & remember...."You can never trust a sperm"


until next time......

be safe now, ya hear?

hello my invisible blogger friend :)

Today in my human sexuality class we talked about LOVE.
It was a very interesting topic....but at the end the class I realized something.
As my teacher was talking about relationships and love, I felt like I was in counseling.
I mean, afterall it is a psychology course, but we talk about things like if we're in one of those sessions. (not that i've ever been in one. haha)
We took a test that was supposed to tell us what type of love we give to people.
-storage love: life long best friends
-agape love: partner centered
-mania love: intense feelings
-pragma love: practical
-ludus love: playful conquest
-eros love: romantic

so i took the test, and the results made me laugh.
I had almost 3 that tied. Storage and agape tied at 6 points, and mania had 7 points. eros and pragma had 4 points. hahhaha.

mania...that's funny. I mean i guess it's not that bad, but just the sound of it...makes me think i'm a little crazy. The other two were off by only 1 point, so i'm assuming i have a good mixture of all 3 types of love. The questions were kinda broad too, so....yeah.



I can't seem to get away from it. This whole love thing. It's all around me. In class, in books i reads, in movies. Pretty much everywhere. Makes me want to be in a relationship, but the more I'm learning about love, the more I realize I have a lot of growing up to do. Several attempts at other relationships have failed bc I failed to realize that i was immature when it came to relationships, period. I want to love with a love that God has, but I need him to perfect that idea more inside of me...which obviously means I need more of Him. I like that idea. I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand that learning this can span out in my whole lifetime, but I do believe there will be a point where I'm ready to take on a relationship bc I've come to a point that God needed me to be. Is that now? I don't know...maybe. If not now, I feel soon.
I feel a lot more mature this time around. I understand my failures and why I was the way I was, and I'm walking away from that learning so much. Things will be different the next time around...I'm almost sure of it. I lost a lot of fears that I had...and a lot of insecurities. I feel more confident and secure about my future.
Love does make us silly though. Especially for us girls. We do things we shouldn't and act ways we shouldn't on impulse and then later find ourselves saying "oh shit, did I just do that?" haha

Anyways. This was a nice talk. Catch you on the flip side friend. :)

Pancakes!!

I'm in houston.
TOday was very interesting. We went to a greek restaurant called niko nikos. It was REALLY good. I ate a greek chicken parmesan pita. Yummy yummy. :)

Then we went to a tattoo/peircing place. Supposedly it's rated the best in houston.
The girls got some peircings. We tried looking online bc theirs supposed to be a live webcam or something. no luck finding it though.
After being there for so long and seeing a guy get a tattoo...my urge to get another came again. But really bad. I'm contemplating on whether i should or not. We might go back tomorrow....hmmmm...what to do, what to do.

Afterwards we got lost for over an hour! it was fun though. I kept laughing.

Ok...Desi is telling us to sleep...so i must retire. Farewell friends. :)

7 minutes of heroine

Ok..i have only 7 minutes to finish a blog...let's see how skilled I am....

........................................................................................................................

I'm realizing that I can't function properly when my body is cold. If I allowed it, It'd probably shut down bc of it.

I started my new job in the past week, and I really like it.
I'm beginning to get so excited about becoming a teacher. I love the students.

I talked to my friend last night about some weird dreams I've been having. Man, did that feel good to let off my chest. I've been questioning my emotions a lot recently. I'm trying to understand myself...wondering how my mind works, and why.
I guess I need more help from God...He knows I need it.

In my human sexuality class on tues, we talked a lot about the brain.
We talked about certain areas that are responsible for a lot of our human behaviors.
I found out what part controls my mild OCD behaviors, where the story making in my head comes from, and my inability to forget anything. I remember last night how I had suppressed a lot of my childhood memories. & for the life of me I can't figure out how to do that again. I freak myself out by the fact that I rememeber soooo many things. I guess it might even be a little selective too. Grrr to me. I was thinking of that movie with ashton kutcher where they erased his memory (it was him right? lol). I wish I could do something like that. I would be fine...I promise. =p

I'm going on a road trip tomorrow morning! I'm so freakin stoked!
We might see derek webb in concert....maybe.
We're going to the renaissance festival in houston...I'm excited to get dressed up and look like a retard :)
& the actual ability to drive away from the valley again so soon....is exciting me hardcore.

Life is pretty spiffy...if I believe it is. So...I'm trying to believe it is.

God help me. Please.

goodness oh my!

I'm sleeeeeepy.
Brenda won't stop 'HAIR-ASS'ing me. :)

I'm trying to decide whether I should delete my blog or not.
Finding out that random dark people are getting links to these blogs...disturbs me. Not you morris. You're not random & your not brown. Your mocha :)

I wanted this to be a safe place. It's not feeling so safe anymore. I thought I knew who read my blogs, & I was perfectly fine with that. I hope this doesn't become a myspace type of thing. Seriously. Maybe deleting it might be a little too dramatic...but I sure might make it private.
I liked the idea that I could talk to someone that was kind of invisible. I felt like I had this friend on here that was always so eager to read what I had to say about my days. I know that's silly, but yeah.

I was thinking again today how I have a staring problem. I was telling brenda about it. I find people so interesting. I'm sorry. I'm telling you, being invisible sounds so awesome.
Like....as I'm typing this, there is this really weird guy sitting a few computers down from us. He was talking on the phone all cool in the library, and started talking about people that need to lose weight. I'm pretty sure he's alone here, but when he hung up...he sat & stared at his computer. Then he stretched is arms back, sighed, and said "man, i need to work out."
Then he started laughing all by himself and started looking at me. Was I supposed to agree with him?. I'm sooooo weirded out. &&&& he has this huge mickey mouse key chain hanging from his phone. I'm not trying to be mean...i promise. But if you were here...you'd be cracking up just as much as me and brenda.
See brenda, this is why I have a staring problem...people are so weird! yyeaaaahhhhh. haha

ok. enough blogging for one day.
good day :)

Sweet eyes & caffeine highs

I want a vanilla bean frap.
I want freedom
I want my own apartment again.
I want a car.
I want to lose weight.
I want long hair.
I want my nephew to grow to be 6 months already.
I want to see my bestfriends bc I miss them. =/
I want my person to come rescue me already. haha
I want to understand all mankind.
I want to be an orphan. seriously.
I want to have another late night beach night.
I want money. I'm broke. =/
I want the job I applied for to call me, so I can have money.
I want to learn more about God.
I want to be less like myself & more like Him, but the more I know of Him...the more I see it in me. hmmm..strange.
I want a purple dress.
I want to marry jesse engle...unless sylvia beats me to him. lol
I want to forget a lot of things I can't forget.
I want a bad memory. my cingulate gyrus is too screwed up. (it's part of your brain)
I want new memories that involve some new people.
I want to pretend it's all ok...but sometimes that's hard.
I want to the only person on earth for one day just to see what it would feel like.
I want to be invisible occasionally.
I want to stay under 25 foreverrrrrrrrrr.
I want to be a teacher already.
I want to have a baby....even if I say i don't.
I want too many things. =/

man...i sound kinda selfish now. boooo.

early morning blabbers

It's almost 9am.
I'm still recovering from the excitement of reading sylvia's new blog. lol
which means I'm kinda hyper. =O

anyways....

on the way to school this morning, I was listening to the radio (like usual)
They've been having this october scary story thing going on for a while now, and this morning's topic was childhood stories. They wanted callers to give them scary stories that parents or grandparents would give in order to make us behave or do something they wanted. So...me being me, I called. lol

If you know me or my family, the story will make a lot of sense. This is typical of them.
My grandma is a funny lady. Really...I try to understand the things that go on in this woman's head, and I never succeed. lol We used to live with her when I was growing up, and she was practically like my mom cuz mine was never around. So, when it came time to go to bed, my grandma would come in and tell me that I needed to put all my baby dolls away. For me, of course, that was preposterous! I would give her a fight and cry and ev.thing. Well...in order to get her way, my grandma told me that if I fell asleep with the dolls in my bed, they would come alive and wake me up in the middle of the night. They would ask me to make them "rice pudding" (translated). Then she would ask..."do you know how to make it?!"
of course I would say no...and was too frightened of the sight of my little dolls actually coming alive, so I would get up and throw them in the closet. She said they needed to be in the closet because then they wouldn't be able to come alive. hahahahhaha

Now that I think of it, I don't know what the big deal was about me sleeping with my dolls. Crazy grandma. lol

Another one was when she used to walk us to school. Since little kids tend to wander or run into the street, my grandma has awesome way of making us stay with her. She would tell us that this certain house we would pass by...well, she said that the devil was inside it. If we got too close, he would get us. hahahah. wow. The more i think of these stories, makes me think my grandma's a little nuts. lol

If you have any of these stories, please share :)

side note: right before I got off the car to come into school, they played my story. it's so strange hearing your own voice. Makes me want to shut up forever. lol

Dreams of the Dreamer

Last night I had a dream...& I was pregnant.
It was sooooo weird.
I was walking around the hospital...bc I was about to go into labor. haha.
& weirdly...my dad was with me. We were like all buddy buddy...which isn't the case in real life.
anyways...So I was walking around trying to figure out where I was supposed to go.
I went into several parts of the hospital...and they were checking on the baby with ultrasound and stuff.
Then I went to the elevator, and when the doors opened...I saw Mrs. Ordeman. lol
Her & pastor bob were walking into the elevator I was in...and so we started talking. She was super shocked to see I was pregnant, and I was even a little embarrassed. She said that she was there bc someone had died from church, and so they were there supporting the family and stuff. When we got out of the elevator, I saw a bunch of ppl from ICC out in the waiting area. I felt like i wanted to hide. lol Ev.one was crying and hugging each other.
Then I kept talking to Mrs. O...and I started crying too. Apparently I knew who the dad was & didn't tell him that I was having his baby. LOLOLOL.
Then crossover (the band) walked into the hospital and I looked up and saw them all. I started crying even more. lol I started telling Mrs. O that I was really happy about the baby, but that I felt so alone. Since the 'dad' didn't know about the baby, I felt like I was doing all this alone. She encouraged me to go tell him...saying that we could do it together. I was like...noooooooooooo. lol

Then I got up to go tell 'him.'

This dream was flippin weird. I don't know what it means exactly, if anything at all. But i thought it was pretty hilarious. I don't want to be pregnant. It felt so weird. haha. I felt extra bloated. haha.

anyways. yeah. that was my dream. o.O

Maximizing your manhood.

Today I had lunch with adriana and anna.
It was quite fun. We spent like almost 3 hours at peter piper's and most of it was spent talking.
I find that I really like to talk. & being with people who also really like to talk.

So the topic for today was boys.
How they are so gay. lol.
not really, but yeah.
& how girls get so gay for boys.

When you're desperate...you'll do anything.
why?...I have no idea, but you do.

We talked about a book called Maximizing your manhood....which is for christians. haha.
wait...i just found out that it's really...Manximized Manhood.
Same difference. lol

So...overall....relationships are gay.
You're gay if your in a relationship.
& will always be gay.

haha JUST KIDDING!!!

anyways. I had fun. Girl talk is always a treat. :)

Painted Red

Affection.

It's the darndest thing.
C.S Lewis says anyone/everyone can have it.
Both the attractive & unattractive people.
I think that's great.

But what happens when someone grows up without it?
That's been on my mind a lot recently.
When someone is neglected as a child and is shown practically none at all, if any affection?
I have my conclusions...
They become affectionate retards. haha
I'm being serious though...they learn to not like it.
It becomes annoying when someone you don't want to receive it from...gives it.

I've been in this situation where I realized that I have a hard time showing love to people.
I don't like for people to hug me or cuddle with me...and if I do allow them to...it's because I love them back, and because I probably waited a long time to feel comfortable.
I have to trust that they are going to love me back...affectionately. & not reject me.
(so when I want to love on you...I really mean it. it takes a lot coming from me)

I feel bad that it has become so hard to let people in sometimes.
But while realizing this issue that I have, I've also realized that I totally let God in. I don't have a problem letting Him love on me. (at least not anymore) So maybe this whole affection thing isn't that bad afterall.
I don't feel bad anymore for something I never had...because in all reality...I've had it the whole time. It has just been invisible so to speak. I might not be able to see or physically feel Him, but He lets me know when He's loving on me. I'm pretty blessed. I have the one Love that really matters, so I'm ok.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Life is so peculiar, I think.
I'm realizing that people will come and go in your life, but it's what you make of life that really matters. If I can handle people in big parts of my life coming and leaving (my dad) then I can sure as heck handle anyone else leaving too.
Life gets complicated sometimes...but it's how we handle it and look at it that makes all the difference.
Yesterday I had mixed emotions.
Part of me felt bad for how things went down, but another part of me wanted to get offended.
Well...I'm not going to do either. Both take so much energy that I can save for the real sticky situations in life. I know who I am & what's in my heart. & best of all...so does God.
So let's keep living, shall we?

:)




[also, if you read this blog, can you please leave me the email address that you use for your blog? Just put it in the comment box...I'll explain later. :) thanks!]

Fresh air

Yesterday was so weird. If you read my debbie downer blogs, I assume you saw that I was looking at life kinda negative.

Ironically, the rain did stop shortly after I wrote the last blog. Actually...it stopped as soon as I submitted it. haha
So, I went across the street & sat on a bench (even though it was wet) and just soaked in that little sense of freedom I was feeling in that moment. I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck asking questions or nagging on me about money or anything. I was alone (in one sense) and it felt very good.
I started a conversation with God. He just listened most of the time though. I think that's what I needed. I talked to Him about all the emotions I was feeling (even though he already knew each one) and I told Him things I was even a little embarrassed to tell Him. He didn't smack me on the hand or scold me...He just listened. & then He said something that made all my anxiousness disappear...."Just trust Me."

I guess maybe in that moment I forgot or failed to notice that I wasn't trusting God. I want what's not in it's time & and I wanted it badly. He's teaching me to be patient and accept that He is still ALWAYS good...even when I don't get what I want. Today's a new day...and I'm going to breath in the fresh air He's blowing my way. I'm going to be grateful even when I find it hard.

Go away

booooo.
I'm finally done printing out the 100 pages I have to read for my govt midterm...and was excited to go outside to go sit by that lake.

well, it's raining. :(

this day couldn't suck any more.

Stupid dreams

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream.
My mom actually woke me up while I was dreaming. Grrrr.
I was upset because she woke me up but also because maybe if I had slept completely through the dream...i would have had a harder time remembering it later on.

I hate stupid dreams. I hate hate hate them. I prayed about it as soon as I woke up...asked God to make me forget it. =/
Since then...I've been in a pissy mood. I don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone or anything.
People want to talk...I just want to ignore.

BTW..I'm at the public library in harlingen...it's becoming my new escape. Privacy doesn't exist at my house...so better around strangers than familiar faces.
I've been thinking a lot about how things were when I wasn't living at home.
I was a happier person then, but now...all i feel is like someone I don't really know.
I'm very quiet these days. Keep to myself a lot. & have even noticed that I talk to myself.
Am I going crazy? BC i sure feel like i am.

I watched Pride & Prejudice last night. I freakin love that movie & I've concluded that it's my favorite. :)
except...after watching it I wanted to be in love. Not so sure that was a good idea afterall. =/
I want to meet someone already. I want to move out of my house. I NEED to move out of my house. Those people are beginning to drive me crazy. I just want to live my life with someone soon. Not so sure anymore if the valley even has anyone worth considering. I don't see anyone even worth wasting my time on. lol I don't mean to be so negative...it's just....the truth i guess. My chances of moving somewhere else have been looking slim. I think this is where all this stupid thinking started. I feel like I have no hope if I stay where I'm at. & I don't like feeling hopeless. I do believe that I have a great future ahead of me...but I think I'm just so frustrated that my future is not now. I'm frustrated in the present & mad at my future for not being here. Too bad they're not ppl bc then I'd have to give them a peice of my mind. =p
If I had money and a car...I'd be gone already. So hopefully both of those get here fast...so I can just go.

In that book i've been reading, I realized that love usually stirs up between people who have things in common. Is that why it's so hard to love my family? Bc we have NOTHING but blood in common? I find that there's nothing to say to them. I have nothing to share with them. & when I do, they don't seem to care one bit. They seem so uninterested in anything I have to say. So getting excited about something new seems pointless. They just stare at me like they have no idea what i'm talking about. ugh. I hate this. =[

There is a lake next to the library...I think I'm going to go sit by it and just talk with God. He's the only one who understands my emotions. Maybe He'll give me some insight. He knows I need it. =/

(Please don't comment me trying to tell me everything is going to be ok or things will get better. I'll just be more annoyed. I didn't write this to get feedback. Just to vent on every emotion that I have no one to tell. )--thanks.

Let it be known, Lord

I'm reading this really awesome book called The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.
I'm really into it. Has anyone else read it?
I can't help but comment on how brilliant this man is. I love how he thinks and how he writes.
If I wasn't a biology major, I so would have majored in english. I love writing.
I bought the book in good old kansas city at this really neat bookstore. It's been sitting there since i got back to the valley...and the other day i was eager to start reading it. I'm glad i did. :)

on a side note:
Before I even began reading it, I've been thinking a lot about writing a book. I'm not sure how this whole book writing thing works, but I feel really led to just start one. I'm not even sure what I want to write about...I just really want to write. I've been praying and asking the Lord to give me something...anything...as long as I can glorify Him. so i guess we'll see. :)

On thursday I did something really cool. Brenda and I met this man in harlingen that was carrying a huge cross across the valley. He was walking through the towns and it had red writing on it.
It encouraged us to go buy posterboards and write scriptures or encouragements on them. Then we went to a very busy street intersection in harlingen and held up the signs during 5 o'clock traffic. I've never done anything like that....but it was really cool. I want to make it something that I do every week...even if no one goes with me.
My heart has been crying out for the nation a lot lately. I've been praying that it can never be said that I never did anything to impact this nation. Even if it's as small as standing on a street corner...I want to make a difference somehow. Just living isn't enough for me...afterall, it's not my life to live anyway.
SO if anyone is interested in joining us...let me know. It was a lot of fun. =D

I'm learning a lot about love. There is so much to it and to us. I'm being blown away each day by GOd. He is so faithful. I'm really in love. I feel so content. So peaceful. So safe.
I can see the Lord's promises coming to pass the more I devote myself to Him. Just when I thought I should give up on them....He comes in like a consuming fire to set me straight. He never changes...even if I do. How awesome is that.

Be encouraged. God is good. :)

Huge Hugo

I've had a splendid week.

Today I went to the beach & did something I've always wanted to do...but never have.
I rolled down a hill. THat's right. A HILL.
& I did it like 4 times.
I have battle scars...a few scratches and even a head injury, but ask me if i'd do it again. HECK YES I WOULD! :)

Now i'm off to have a nice little sleepover at mi casa :)

peace homies.

Grieving heart

Today I had my human sexuality class....and I came out feeling really weird.
We were talking about sexual mutilation among women in other countries.
Then...we watched a movie that showed some graphic stuff.

My spirit feels like it's grieving. =/
Little girls are being castrated because of "custom" or "tradition"
they rarely use anesthesia and they have no choice.

There was a story about a woman from nigeria who moved to the US to save her 2 daughters from having to go through the same thing she did. It was really sad.

I did and still do feel like crying.

God help those little babies. Please bring justice to your children. Please. :(

Thankful

I've been in a very 'grateful' mood lately.

I'm grateful to God for all that He does.

I'm grateful for all the real friends He places in my life.

I'm grateful to be alive.

I'm grateful to have His joy.

I'm grateful for my past, present and future.

so yeah.

<33

I'm pissed.

but I don't want to waste my energy on some idiot who goes on a psychopathic trip.

So...I won't.

I have better things to do.

Hoarse whispers.

--ok. So i have 2 hours before my lunch date gets out of class. (fyi...we're having chinese food. yum yum)

--I'm in the computer lab in north....
i realized that I think whispering is annoying. Everyone can hear you anyway...just talk!
especially whispers coming from sick people....they sound painful. lol
the sound of your saliva smacking against your lips and inside your mouth. I'll pass...thanks. talk to me normal...or don't talk at all. :)

--It's only 10am, and I've already said 3 times to different people that today is monday.
Thanks to bill, i was shot back to reality. IT's tuesday!! get with it erika.

--I finished my exam for my human sexuality class in like 20 minutes. Talk about easyyyyyyyy.

--I met this guy named gilbert. He's my new relocating agent. lol
we've decided to correspond through emails. He's already sent me a good list of apartments to look at. (I'll foward the email to you sylvia)
The more I think about how SA will be...the more excited I get. I mean....I will probably do absolutely nothing, just the way I do now, but it's NOT the valley. Case closed. :)

--My nephew was born last wednesday. I'm going to try to get pictures up ASAP.
My brother text me last night with 5 pics of him. He's like the freakin cutest baby ever. haha.

ok. good day. :)

Truth

God is perfect.

that's truth.

in a nutshell.



It's cool how He can see my whole life laid out...and I can't.
It makes things so interesting.

I feel free. Free to live my life w/no regrets. It's done. & it's over. So let's move on. =)

The caffeine jitters

usually the decision to drink some form of coffee is more enticing before you consume it.
at least for me.

I find myself craving iced vanilla coffees from Mr. Ronald D. but then after going through half of the cup....I feel horrible.

I think it's some sort of suffering I do to myself. I love the way it tastes, but It makes me so horrible afterwards.

I'm in la library, and I feel my heart going way faster than it should.
My hands feel all jittery....like i'm all cracked up or something.
It's kinda funny actually....a little uncomfortable too.

I wrote an essay for this job I'm applying to.
I'm a pretty fast/good typer. (Thank God for that keyboarding class in HS)
BUT....since I feel like i'm on drugs, I'm typing wayyyyyy faster than i usually do. LOL
In the midst of this expected quiet atmosphere I'm in....all you can hear is my fingers quickly hitting the keyboard as I'm typing.
I'm just waiting for someone to give me that nasty stare...
you know...the one that's intended for you to shut up because you're bothering them or breaking their concentration. haha
-OR- the big "shhhhhhhhh!"

haha.

well...i'm off to turn in my job app.
Please pray that I get the job.
It's $10/hr. woot woot!

Thank God for my over qualifications. :)

Revelation #548435482 :)

I forgive you.

I finally realized last night that peices of me still hadn't forgiven you.

Ya see, God made me understand something that I guess I just wasn't seeing before...

For some, this revelation might be obvious, but for me...it was something that set me free.

We were all looking for the same thing. I'm not sure I can explain that too much here, but that's what He revealed to me.

I couldn't understand that.
& we all, at least at one point in our lives...look for that in other places. I'm sorry that I did...and did for a while. I wanted something that I was born to want...it's just that it was destined to be filled by something more real. My first Love. My True Love.

I guess you can say it is both a strength and a weakness.
But He told me that I finally found it. I finally felt what I couldn't and didn't want to feel before.

Fear is a rotten thing....but it happens.
I was afraid of letting Him give certain things to me because I never had them. Imitation love will never be enough. I thought maybe I knew what that was, but when He shows it to you...it's something you never want to let go of. I found it, and I'm keeping it. It's mine. :)

One of my best friends told me a story last week that made me picture myself.
I was like a baby in her Dad's arms...who would never rest...always kicking and screaming when He wanted to hold me. I wasn't used to Love...and I fought Him for so long. I kicked...I screamed...I put up the best fight I could. But you see, I would NEVER win. Ever. So...eventually...after that, every time He held me, I was calm. I embraced the fact that He was going to love the heck out of me no matter how much I screamed and kicked.

I wish I could physically feel His arms around me. I layed in bed last night and believed that He was doing that. It felt so awesome to be loved by Him. & that's when I felt the freedom. That was the moment I knew in my heart...the fight was over.

& then I realized.......I FORGIVE YOU.
bc...we were both looking for the same thing.
& I pray that you find it too.
Even though I once told you that I gave up on you ever changing (that was wrong of me =/ ), you are still in my prayers. I hope you get the chance to feel what I felt....please just open your eyes.

<3,

me.

5pm nonesense

I started regretting my decision last night....
my decision to stay up like a crazy college student until wee hours of the night.
I haven't really been doing this a lot recently...at least since i've been back home.
I was in brownsville as of yesterday....had "a really important meeting" to attend. Putting quotes on that was by no means a way of saying that it wasn't important...i was just quoting the person. It was important.

anyways....

hung out with some friends last night and didn't go home until 4 something in the AM. Got back...we started talking some more when we got back home...and I had class at 9am. I only slept 3 hours. I was soooooooo tired. So after class we got back and i fell asleep again.
I hate the sense of feeling like i missed out on my day...but then again..i LOVE sleeping! :)


I found out 2 days ago that I CAN'T graduate in december! what the fluffy pancakes?!! I sat in front of the adviser with tears accumulating around my eyes. I kept telling myself NOT to cry. lol. pretty sad picture. Yeah, so i'm missing ONE freakin hour! I couldn't believe it! So now...i'm tryng to decide what i'm going to do in the mean time. I'm so close to giving up on school....i even told her that. She looked at me with an akward glance......like I was stupid or something. I guess the thought was pretty stupid. I've been at utb for my 5th year. That keeps reminding me how old I am...and how i have yet to start my life. klasjdfkjsdlkfjklasdjf!!11

I was thinking the past few days that...
i hate how it's so hard to be JUST someone's friend. Why can't there be NO expectations....just friends. gah! A dear friend of mine said...."well tell him you just want to be friends"
All i could think of is....why do i even have to state that at all?? I haven't promised anything to anyone...and don't usually go into these things saying "hey...you're cool. but i just want to be friends. that's it." How lame is that! I guess i'm pretty peeved at the thought of it.



I still think of someone from time to time. But it's so much different now when I think of him. He's become part of "just something that happened in my life" I hope that doesn't sound jerkish...but it's true. I'm glad that God has me where He has me, and I have a lot of hope these days. I'm pretty happy. I think it has a lot to do with being away. I like it....but i guess it has it's downsides. I'm excited for MY future....but I just want to get the heck out of school. I know there's not much for me here in the valley. I know it's NOT my home. I'm still asking God where that is...He'll tell me...soon enough. :)


Bon wants my attention, so I have to go now. ;)
(you know you want me bon, admit it!)

Vanilla Iced coffe

I'm so sore.
besides being sore...I'm so cold.
This campus needs to realize that people don't function when they are half frozen (I say...assuming "this campus" has a mind of it's own.)

I'm back home for like a little less than a week, and I'm already losing it, or so it seems.
I need a lock on my door...seriously. I don't know how much longer I can do this whole people barging in w/out knocking or reading the sign on the door. They're going to be the death of me...or maybe just the reason for explosions of my quite upset mouth.

On a good note, God is realllllly good! He loves us so much. I wish people could just see it though.
My prayer is for our eyes to be open. Let us not sleep, lest we sleep the sleep of death.

I want to move somewhere and get a real job already. Anyone want to hire me? and pay me way more than i deserve? pretty please?.....maybe with a cherry on top? NO?...ok. fine.

I'm off to my human sexuality class.
that's always intereseting....to say the least.

laterzzzzzzz~~

Amerika's nation

I skipped class today.
OoOoO..I'm a rebel. ;)

My sociology class bites. It's so friggin boringgggggggg. The professor takes like 1 minute to say one word. I want to hit him on the head...maybe the computer in his head isn't working right. Isn't that what you do when things don't work. Hit them? or at least that's how ppl around here tell me things run.
There's also this dude in my class who never stops talking. I think he wants the class to know he's well knowledgable in subjects other than this one. He gives these examples about random facts that no one has heard of...and then corelates it to sociology.
Goodness...being a loving christian is hard sometimes. So I wrote God a letter in class instead asking him to help me be a better lover of people. =D

I ran into an old friend....that was pretty cool.
Today I made a point to say hi.
Sometimes I do that thing where I act like I don't know/remember the person. LOL.
but today I felt friendly.

Last night God gave me some words...put together to make a little sense....
"God's love is greater than any offense or hurt"
so...i shared it. I hope it made a difference.


I like being a nobody at school. My class already graduated, and I hardly run into people that I know. It's pretty cool. Sometimes I think I really am invisible...which i forget isn't true. I probably look like a weirdo to people...but that's ok. :)

I'm off distance education office...bc of course, this school is so disfunctional. =/

Peace. <3

The rains of Your Love

Yesterday marked one week since I've been gone from good old browntown (that phrase said with much force =/ )
I've had an amazing time up here...probably like i've already mentioned in a previous blabber of my blogs. :)

So basically I'm leaving here in two days. I'm SO glad I came. I needed this little get-a-way with The One & Only. I guess in the past year, I sort of lost part of who I was. I was warned, graciously, but I guess I chose to be ignorant to that warning. Thank God for God.

During my time here, Father told me many many things that He loved about me. I think I started forgetting those little things. I've had too many reasons (given by my environment and situations) to make me believe very much otherwise. But He gave me my hope back again. Just when I was about to let go completely, He reached into the innermost parts of who I am, and He gave me my identity back. Parts of me are scared as heck to live out my calling....but He keeps telling me it's going to be ok. So....I'm trusting you God...really, I am.

On a bonus note:
There's this internship called "The Call"
I talked to Brian Kim yesterday, and I with ev.thing that has already been confirmed through God, I'm pretty sure that in a year and half I'm moving up to KC. I've decided to work as a teacher for that time before and save up enough money to take on this journey that God is calling me to.
I realized yesterday that I'm totally not ready to take that on right now. Good thing I don't have the money, because If I did, I'd so humanly make that decision without God's OK. I know that already. haha


I'm not so sure about the whole doctor thing anymore. I've been thinking that for a couple of years now. I actually kinda surprised myself with that idea when it popped into my memBRAIN. :)
I don't really care what anyone says. I know that EVERYONE and their mothers were expecting me to do this, but I'm not so sure it's part of the plan anymore.
I remember last year I snuck into this conference in galveston during my summer program, and they did this alter call for people who believed they were destined to do full time ministry. My thoughts were....well...i was flabbergasted. (best word I could think of...because I was just that). My feeble mind couldn't comprehend how someone could possible be ok with giving their entire lives to full time ministry. I thought they were crazy.
BUT...now I find myself pulling toward the Anna Calling in my life. I desire nothing more than to give my whole life to God. I kinda knew this was going to happen one day...might have just been in denial.


My life was meant for this nation. My soul and heart cry out at just the thought of people perishing in this world. I want to lay my life down to give God glory for who He is. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I want to be radical. I am radical. These longings were planted far before I even existed....it's part of my being.


~to be continued.....

Where is home?

I'm in Kansas City :)
It's freakin awesome here.
I really don't want to go back home....ever. =/
God was expecting me here....told someone I was coming too. o.O
Makes me realize again how much he loves me.
I want to be with Him, and no one else.
But I don't know where to go to find that.
I just need a little time....

Today he said..."I stripped it all away so you can see My beauty. I took it all away so we could be alone"

wow. He really wants me. I'm taking a break from the fast life. I need to just "stop" is what He said. So....I'm going to try to do that. Let it be us. To know Him more. To let Him heal me.

I really need this.

God please find a home for me. Please stop these circles I've stood in for a while now. It makes me feel anxious. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please be my Home. <3

right

This day started out pretty good.

then it just went downhill

This day effin sucked.

=/

Grr....I'm sick of this already.

Chaos in brownsville

I've been wanting to blog all day, but I haven't had a chance.

Ok...so....yesterday was an interesting day. Bon and I went out on a 5 hour adventure. It was uber fun. We shopped until we dropped. Literally. haha.

We ended the shopping adventure with some nice cold raspas. or "shaved ice" as us harlingen people call them. =p

It was the stand that's on the corner of 802 and central. As we were standing outside, we witnessed a car crash. It sucked. The airbag in one car went off and his whole hood dented up. Sucks.

Then...later that night we went to the beach. Bon, Irma and I went on another adventure. On the way there we stopped at the cornerstore to put gas and buy munchies. It was like 12:30ish. As we were wondering through the store, I saw this man go to the back. He got 2 huge 20 packs of beer and began walking to the front. I thought "poor guy, doesn't he know that it's past 12? He can't buy beer anymore." Then he kept walking and went straight through the doors. I looked at the cashier and was like...um....."did he pay for that?" haha. The dude jumped over the counter and started chasing after him.

Yeah...so pretty much we witnessed a crash and a beer run all in one day. haha
It sure is interesting living in brownsville. As gay as this town is.
Good thing I'm leaving soon :)

Fruit rollups

I'm sitting here watching a movie with sylvia and bon :) with rollers all up in my hair.
We're watching saw...the first one. I like these movies...they're so mysterious. Make you think more than you want to.
Anyways...wanted to say that today I had one of those days that I re-realized that I'm aging.
As silly as that might sound...I just can't get over how fast the years go by. I'm 22.
So when do i start growing up? I want to be a "grown up" already but I don't want to at the same time. I'd like to start life already...things seem less complicated once life is setting in on you. Job, marriage, kids...you know, the whole sha-bang.
Morris said the other day he wants to stay my friend bc I'm going to be a doctor. Thanks morris....that's a real friend. =p

I'm kinda wondering what I'm going to be saying once I'm 35....40...and so on. Thinking of that age sounds kinda gross...but i'm sure i'll be happy. :)


~The End~

DOG

Sylvia, morris and I had another hangout day last night.
We spent 4 hours at startbucks.
Morris got banged 3 times. (total inside joke...promise. ) lol
We had a cigarette city...nice.

We talked about old times. We all used to be so close.
Sylvia, bon, erika, morris, omar, rudy (sometimes), herby.....and some occasional joiners.
We used to have a lot of fun.
So, last night we asked why things changed.....why weren't we our original "clique"
I guess it's because things got so complicated. Everyone fell in love with someone who didn't love the other person back. It's pretty funny if you think about it. Such a complicated group we were. But we were a really a cool group of kids.
We've had slumber parties, gone off roading when this gaytown flooded, had several movie nights, had game nights.
I remember this one time that sylvia, morris, omar and I had a "fancy dinner night." That was fun. We got all dressed up and went to olive garden in harlingen. I complained that the salad didn't have croûtons, so the waiter gave me a whole bowl FULL of them. haha. that was funny.
I wish things could go back to how they were....at least for one day. It would be nice to have the gang back together again. But I guess the memories are good enough.


Anywaysssssssssssssss......I came home that night after starbucks (sorry...i got a bit off track with my story.)
I got home and made a new friend. I called him timmy. He was a "zoe," or a miniature schnauzer mixed with poodle or something. He was the cutest thing. I sat on the stairs for like 10 minutes with him and we just talked. haha. jk.
I went and got bon...introduced them too. She liked him. :)

But then as we were sitting together, he just got up and ran away. I called him back but he didn't come. =(
I guess that's the story of my life. lol
Another "dog"....leaving me.

Boxed up memories.

This is the week.
This is the week that I'm finally moving out of brownsville.
I've been here for over 4 years...and I think that was enough.
I'm so glad I came here though. This is the place I'll always remember that I truly found God. I was a 17 year old girl who was broken/tired/alone/lost/desperate. I'm leaving here....hardly any of those. :)

Packing is such a drag. I've been going through box after box after box of crap that hoarders like me keep. :) Throwing away tons of things I shouldn't keep, I'm finding little mementos of the years spent here. Some memories are quite funny. Some quite sad. But nonetheless, they are little moments that I've been granted. I met some of my best friends here. They are absolutely the greatest people everrrr in life. lol. seriously. Back off, they're mine. ;) (jk...or am i? haha)

I decided to write a handful of memories that have released themselves over the past couple of days....

1. I found a paper that said " I <3 Amerika (+ Y-vone)"
It was made by my friend morris that night that him, bon and I decided to spend hours outside of IHOP. We got to see the sunrise and just talked and listened to music. Morris fell asleep in the backseat. He snored. quite loudly if I might add. haha. Bon and I were trying to figure out how to wake him up so we could leave. haha.

2. I found a sheet of paper that said..."rudy marks family tree"
it was a diagram of rudy's family line. lol. That was the day rudy spent one of his days doing his horrible spanish homework in my apartment that was on campus. He was one of my bestfriends....it's strange how things change over time. But he did make an impression in our lives. :)

3. I found a paper of a drawing that had a stick figure of a guy. He was very hairy from the face...and it said rudy on top. lol. That was the day sarah marks and I spent the day together. Her parents were out of town and I wanted to hangout w/her. We watched ratatouille and then came to my apt and laid on the floor and colored pictures. Entertaining kids is kind of a challenge. lol.

4. I found pictures of my black & white party. I must've been pretty brave for pulling that off. It was the first party I had ever organized myself. haha. It was a pretty cool night. Tons of ppl came and we were all dressed up. That's a nice memory.

5. I found elmo. haha. It was the elmo that was on omar's 19th bday cake. You see, he's not just any elmo. His left hand is burnt off. Black as black. I'm still not sure who did this (might have been my own absent minded self) but they lit the candles around elmo and then we all walked away from the kitchen. The few hours before it was fourth of july....so I think we heard fireworks and took off to the balcony to see. Yeah....poor elmo caught on fire...and now he's one-handed. Poor guy. :) Omar appreciated it. I think. It was a surprise. We pulled that off pretty well. ha

6. I'm not sure if anyone else has these, but I have this thing that if I wear clothes on very memorable days, I tend to relate those clothes to the memory itself. Yeah, well, I found a pair of pants that I haven't seen/worn in a while. Those are the pants that I accidentally left at omar's house during spring break 99. yeah. His mom found them in his bathroom. eek. Kinda funny, but spring break 99 was a blast. Sylvia and I came to appreciate the fact that we didn't live with strange boys...even more during that time. lol. They are funny though. That's when syl came up with her idea to move into a co-ed house/duplex. These were the guys we always thought we'd be around. Circumstances have changed...and we each have grown a little apart. Some more than others. But I guess that's life. :)

7. I could go on and on...but I going to share one of the last memories I've had at one of my apartments. It happened 2 nights ago. Sylvia, Bon and I went out on my balcony to talk. We got stuck out there. The door latch fell over and locked us out. You can read bon's blog to hear all the hilarious details.



Overall I guess the past 4 years have been pretty cool. I've learned a lot about life. Made tons of friends, lost some friends. Allowed God to change me, heal me, transform me and just teach me lot. Fell in love. Fell out of love. Had my heart broken a couple of times. But all in all, I think it was all worth it. I always thought I'd do some things over, but i guess i'm pretty satisfied how things worked out. Praise God for God. :)
I'm ready to move to SA. It's going to be pretty awesome, bc now I can look forward to making NEW memories. I'll hopefully still have my 2 best friends w/me....but we're looking forward to a whole new set of adventures.

Goodbye college years....Hello adult years. =D (college years continued for sylvester though. lol)



P.S sylvia just reminded me that during one of my moving trips to different apartments, my 300 dollar fat saks (huge bean bags) flew off the back of my truck ON the expressway!!! &&& not only that, some freakin brownsvillian or mexican picked them up off the road!!!
Thanks for the memory sylvia! :)

words.

My words are scrambled pieces of my thoughts that never shut off.
So...I'm choosing to express them.

In 10 days...it will be 1 year. I wish that day was only the memory of the day that God so wonderfully created one of my bff's...bon. lol. Unfortunately...it's not the only thing i remember it for.

It's hard to digest the words I heard that day. It was as if my whole world got thrown up in the sky but only to soon be smashed back down to earth. A little dramatic? perhaps. but the best way to describe my emotions at that time.

I was made promises that are rotting in hell. Promises that were never seen. Lies that are worth shit. To be honest. :)


I'm 22 and will be 23 in 10 months. lol. It's funny how you plan out your life so naively and then years later see how sometimes it just doesn't work out like that. I thought about it....and realized that about this time...I 'should' have already moved to galveston for med school. Actually, the plan was to move somewhere between galveston and houston, for the sake of both our transportations. We would wait to have kids until after I finished med school. haha. what a joke. Did I honestly think that was going to work out?? Sad part is that I did actually. I fell for it. Planning your life with someone else is a very scary thing. You see...now they are no where to be found. At least for me that's the case. I've all of a sudden become invisible. I've lost existence in their eyes.

So now I'm here thinking about all the things what 'were' going to happen in my life. & I'm starting to realize that God totally spared me on this one. He knows what he has for me....unlike me. I can't regret things anymore because God seemed to have had a better plan. If things were going like 'we' planned, I would have already been married. That's a pretty insane thing for me to understand, because I know I'm not quite ready for that step in my life. Not only that, God has proven to me who is real in this life and who definitely is not. Sometimes you think you know someone so well....but life proves you so wrong. Or...maybe it's just them that proves you so wrong.

I had a friend recently who told me something really interesting.
He said...
"Erika, I'm glad that God has not allowed you to be with someone who isn't good enough for you. I'm glad you're not with those people because God knows you deserve someone who loves you and cares for you and who isn't a jerk to you."

I was like...wow, someone really thinks that? When the question should have been...why can't I think that?


I don't want to think about these things anymore. But seeing how different this person is than I initially thought...makes it so much easier for me to forget. I'm glad that God took me out of that relationship and is making me wait. My future seems so much brighter than my past. So....I'm going to be patient and just accept that things are the way they are.

I'm in love with God...and He's pretty much all I need right now anyway.


Also, I'm moving back to harlingen in like 4 days. !!!! That should be a really good thing for me too. It will allow me to get the things that hurt me to see...out of my face. If I really want to move on...I think this could be a good thing for me. People won't see much of me anymore....unless they catch me accidentally, but I'm pretty much gone from brownsville soon. I graduate in december (praise GOd!!) and I'm moving up to san antonio in 4 months. I'm sooooo excited!! I'm ready to meet new people....just start new. I'm liking the idea of going to a new city where no one knows me. My bestests are hopefully going with me. I need them. haha & I think this could be a good thing for all of us. Everyone needs to move out of the valley at least once in their life. THis is our ticket out. :)

Tattoos

I sit in my beyond boring tutor training session.
It's the last session...and I only have like 45 minutes to go...
I honestly didn't think i'd even make it that long....starting thinking it WAS possible to die from boredom.

But alas, someone saved the day. ...

So a bunch of us were talking about tattoos. There was this really talkative red head girl who had like 6 tats, so I started asking her about them. She's not your typical red head...it was REd...like bleached then dyed bright red. Her whole head. As if that wasn't enough to keep your attn on her, she always had something to say. It was kinda funny actually. Except a few times I wanted to reach across the table and smack her across the head. I though maybe those batteries that run her lips would get knocked out. haha. (I had to keep reminding myself that Jesus loved her lol )

Anyways, so there was this other girl in our conversation...she was this half cuban cute little cartoon looking girl. She was really nice. Seemed a little innocent too....as my story is soon to prove. So this one starts talking about how she wants to get a tattoo too, but she has this thing where she cannot consistently like something for long periods of time. SO, she was afraid she'd get a tat, and then dislike it in a couple of months.
Then this 55 year old soon to be tutor buds in and tells her...."make sure you don't get a tattoo of a boy's name, cuz then you'll have to consistently like him"
HA! at this point...i was like...omgosh....how could i possibly think this is boring. lol
So, so continues her story and then begins to tell us that she thought of maybe getting one of her dad's name. Apparently, he passed away years ago. I felt kinda bad when she said that....and then felt bad later for laughing at the conclusion of her comment. She said.."maybe getting the whole name is a bit much, so I was thinking i'd just get his initials instead. I want them very small...each letter....F.....A.....G."

!!!!!! I wanted to ask if she was serious. But then i thought...'no erika...of course she's serious, look at her face'. She seemed to be serious. I wanted to to laugh sooooo hard. F.A.G. can you imagine getting that tattooed on your body to last forever! You'd be branded as a fag. hahaha. crazy stuff.

I guess tutor training can be fun....if you have the right people. :)

Apples, bananas and starburst.

It's been a while since I've written to the imaginary people who read this lame excuse for a blog. :)
I felt the urge to...so here I am.
Actually, I've been having several urges recently. Some are odd. I did one tonight. Felt good. I didn't feel bad either. It wasn't wrong, but it's just something I don't usually do.
I'm planning on doing again....don't really care what anyone says.

This week i've been feeling very free.
I don't know how to explain this sense of freedom, but I really like it.
I feel like a spirit of religion fell off of me. I wasn't even aware that it was there...but I guess so. It wasn't too bad, but still kept me with boundaries. I like being free. It feels good.



I don't even think this blog has a point. I just felt like rambling. ....


I got this new sense of confidence recently. Praise God. It feels pretty cool.
I think I tired of caring what everyone thinks. They can go suck lemons if they don't like me or things I do. God loves me, and I feel confident in Him. I've been walking around with my head higher than usual.
I had started feeling insecure about a past relationship....thinking/questioning/regretting a lot. BUT...I sat down and looked at the situation for what it was. I'm actually not missing out on anything. I'm so much different than them....and i think that's a good thing. If settling is what people want...then let them. I deserve so much better. & what I thought i wanted once in life....doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. So, I've given up on it. I want God to take control of my life....it's what He promised, so trusting Him seems the best thing to do.




I noticed today that Bon is one of the few people that I be with for hours after hours, and we always have something to talk about. I like it. It's unusual. She never bores me, and she gives "the world's best back massages ever." or so she says ;)
i like her...shhhh. don't tell her =p



Sylvia Bon and I leave for IHOP in like 21 days! That's something to be most definitely stoked about. & I am. After that, all I have left is like 4 months.
Then I graduate...and move out of this insanely insane town. The people here are so weird. I don't belong.
I think my next stop is San Antonio. yeah. sounds good.
It could be nice to meet new people.
Nice to start new...again.
I need it.
Too many things i need to leave behind here....and I can't wait.



Ok. Goodnight. I should sleep. :)

It's just me and You....

It's just me and You God. Just me and You.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to do this...
but I guess it's better late than never.
I know that You've been preparing my heart for this for some time now..
thank You for that.
Thank You for not allowing certain people to give up on me...I know that in their shoes it could have been so tempting.
I'm amazed sometimes at how my stubbornness never pushed them away....

I want more of You God.
I need more of You.
Show me what else You want...bc I'll do it. With all of my heart...I am Yours. & You are mine.
Thank You that Your love satisfies...beyond any earthly love.
Teach me how to have a love relationship with You....teach me what it means to love.

I know this is just the beginning..... <333

Fear

Fear Sucks.
I hear the thoughts rattle in my brain....ever so softly. You know, just enough to get the thought across but not loud enough to startle me and make itself known.
Stupid. However soft they are, I hear them. I am warned. I am alert.

I'm learning to trust God so much. I know that my past does not dictate my future. Thank HIM for that!
Although these fears want to haunt me, I keep holding on to the promise that whenever I'm in HIS presence, ALL fear is gone. So...I stay there. I keep pressing in. Keep holding tight.

It's all over. You see, even though I went through so much heartache with one fool (yes, FOOL) lol, does not mean that everyone else will follow that example. Not everyone else is out to hurt me. For once I finally understand that.

Even though faces from the past still exist...I'm trusting God. There has to be someone there that really means what they say...really means what they feel. Not everyone talks out of their butt. lol. Thank God.
Then again, God totally being the center of this changes everything this time around. There's so much peace when He's in control.

I wish it wasn't so complicated though. I wish I could trust certain people. I wish they would smarten up and realize that the world isn't about them.
Maybe one day....maybe one day they'll see. In Jesus Name, they WILL see!

Holy Revolution...

I love being weird.

like not in a weird weird way.

just weird.

Realizing that I'm different...for God...is pretty amazing.

I find value in my life.

I know He made me unique.

& even if no one understands me...that's perfectly ok.

I love the way that God uses each person very differently.

Maybe to all recieve something that falls along the same lines...but nonetheless...it's differently.

It's the way that the body works together so perfectly. It amazes me.

Even though receiving what I receive seems crazy sometimes, I'm always excited to hear the way that the Lord speaks to the people around me.

There's a Holy revolution...in my veins.

I can feel this movement of God so strongly. I don't think I've ever felt Him like this before. It's so different. but good different. Ok i take that back...it's not a good different...it's an amazing different.

"pick up your spiritual belongings and march it out. There's no time left"

dang. IT's approaching soon. I can feel it in my veins. Seriously.
I've been having moments where I swear i'm walking around and expecting any moment to get knocked out by Him. He's all around me. Everywhere I turn. Everything I think. Everything I am. I love it.

Be prepared.
the best advice i can give....just be prepared. =D

My spirit.....

We're just spirits trying to live in human bodies.


Truth. Indeed so, but I've never really seen things like this before. The concept is....so...idk.
To realize that I am a spirit attempting to survive in a world I was not meant for.
Life seems so complicated at times...and rightly so. We are not people born as part of this world. Rather, we are spirits not part of this world.
Living from the inside out. Portraying the very character of God through our lives. We live and breath and have our being in HIM.

Not only am I a spirit, I'm a spirit that is not my own. I belong to the one and only King of Glory.

To survive this world seems so much easier....to think that I'm merely a visitor to this insane world. My visit will be over shortly...I can feel it. <3

Freedom

Not too much to say today....

except...

I'm back.

I'm back to the weird me. It feels so awesome! God is good.
The only thing I regret...is prolonging this for so long. God had it in front of me for a while before....just waiting for me to take the freedom. It's mine. I claim it.
However, I don't have much time to think about these regrets when I realize How He LOVES me! =]

All you have to do is believe.

Beauty for ashes

"The world is full of hurting people wearing masks"

The past few weeks have made me become rather pensive at heart. I have what seems too much time in this fast-paced world. I have so many things to do...yet allow much of my time to go to thoughts. At best, I'm learning things that seem to be shaking me from the inside out. At worst....well, I guess there really is no worse at this point.
I keep thinking of God's promises for me...He said He would make beauty from ashes. Unfortunately, Something I've come to realize is that although God will burn away at the things that are rotten, and leave behind ashes, we, as humans can sometimes choose to hold on to the ashes. Every now and then, we open up the fragile hand that chooses to keep the ashes, and we look, remember and hurt over things that are very much over and done. What is the use of God being so gracious and kind, if all we do is hold on to the past. Was is not enough for Him to sacrifice Himself for our own failures and short comings? Was it not enough that He willingly gave His life for our freedom? Hmmm...I think we forget sometimes, this Recently proven by my own stubbornness.
God desires wholeness of our hearts, not hearts full of holes. Even as ministers of the Lord, we can tend to get so caught up helping other people, that we begin wearing masks in our day to day living. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing what the Power of God can do through anyone, but how sad to see us limit His power through our own stubborn state of minds. Freedom and Healing are there for the taking. However, is our desire for those greater than the desire to look back? I can complain (and very much have before) about needing healing and not being able to get over the past, but in such an attitude, can I really expect anything more than the low places I find myself? There is so much power in words of God. So much power in the Spirit. There is power in what I speak forth in the Name of the Lord, but am I choosing to speak it forth? If we do things as God does, then why do we fail to see that we serve "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were" (Rom 4:17). If I say I have not received healing, then I have no healing. But if I choose to speak out things as God does, and say I have healing (even when the enemy wants me to believe or see otherwise), then I HAVE HEALING!
Today I chose to get up again. I may not have been down too low, but none the less, I was down. I chose to let the past mistakes and past "disappointments" haunt me like a live horror movie. I could not and would not get out of the mindset that the enemy convinced me to be in. I wanted to get a over a past that seemed so brokenhearted, but I was never really giving God the ashes. He waited, I'm sure. He stood in front me many times before...asking me so gently to just give it to Him. I didnt know that I was ready yet, for whatever reason that was, but I'm more tired now of hurting over things that are worthless. Things which have not brought me happiness in a long time. Broken people have broken relationships, well, I'm no longer broken. By the strenght and grace of God...I'm back up and taking the position I was born to inherit. There is an uncreated light of God that longs to shine through each one of us...don't let it be clouded and covered by the ashes that hold on to. Just let it go. God will bring beauty in His time. All in His time. <33