& I must say....

last night I was up until 4am.
He kept me up.
I almost forgot what it was like to stay on the phone that long/late.
Hmmm...& suprisingly, I was up pretty fast at 6:30, despite my obvious lack of sleep.

"A butterfly is only a butterfly after it stops being a catapillar." haha.
I think we could have come up with a million & one of these stupid/obvious/retarded facts that could one day seemingly change someone's life. haha

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vulnerability. hmmm. been thinking a lot about this, especially after my phone conversation last night.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. Not at all. It kinda scares me, to be honest. But there's just something inside of us that can't help but be vulnerable sometimes. I realized last night that I want to be vulnerable. As much as I say that I don't like it, I find that I am choosing to be just that. I'm allowing myself to be open to every possiblility & part of me is ok with that. Sometimes some of the best things come out of being vulnerable. Like...with God. If I choose to be completely vulnerable with Him, I'm not losing out on anything. It's still scary though, because I'm down here saying..."do with me what you want, Lord." & He does! I came across this saying yesterday..."If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" haha. that's funny.
So I find that the best relationship I've ever had with God....came out of being completely vulnerable to Him.
So........I'm thinking..........if I do that in general with other relationships......would the outcome still be the same? Feel free to voice your opinions...I like hearing them :)
I also realized that being hurt by someone isn't the worst thing on earth. haha. kinda late? yeah, i know. =/ but anyways, seriously, it's not. If I went into something giving it every opportunity just to see if something great could come out of it, I don't think I'd regret getting hurt. I'd rather want to be able to say "at least I tried" than to say "I never tried at all...bc I was scared."

So...I'm open to anything happening this time. I'm not afraid to let myself feel what I really feel anymore. Because afterall, God is in control, and He can do whatever He wants in my life. So I'm gonna try not to be afraid to let my REAL emotions show anymore. I'm not afraid to stand against what everyone says in their "advice" bc it is MY life. I don't want to worry about what everyone else wants for my life...who I should be...who I should date....who I deserve. In my heart, I know what I want.

So...I guess I'm on my way............