The blue sunrise

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I made manacotti bake last night for the first time ever in my life. It was part of the weekly dinner night we're having now. If I may say so myself, it was freakin amazing. Of all the italian foods I've learned to cook, it was by far the best yet! :) We even had red caberet wine to compliment the meal. lol

Dinner conversations are always interesting. The discussion for the night was life. Those are always fun, but they can also be a little overwhelming. From the four of us (Liza, Sydney, Nate, and I), not one person has things figured out. It's kinda funny, but I guess that's "emerging adulthood" for ya.

• Where do you want to live?
• What's a good age to get married?
• Would you have a prenup?
• What happens if you get divorced (I made a point to say at that point that this is NOT happening for me. lol. If you marry me dude, you're stuck. I'm sorry :) ]
• What's a good income to make to live well/pleasantly?
• Do you want to travel?
• What's a good age to have kids?

Yea...pretty deep stuff. lol. But nonetheless, interesting to hear what each person had to say.

I think I realized last night that being single/childless is pretty awesome. I'm gonna start my teaching job in like 4 months (ahhhh!!) and will be making around 44-46,000/year starting off. That's pretty awesome considering I'm unwed, childless and freeeeee!! lol. I always said (plz don't laugh) that I wanted to get married by the age of 23. Well, I'm turning 23 in 2.5 months. LOL. I mean, technically I still have like 1.2 years until I'm officially 24. Anything could happen at this point...seriously. The only thing I want to wait longer for is kids. Not that kids mess things up, but it's hardcore obligation. Not to mention they are expensive as heck! lol ---I want to travel soooooo bad. Still planning my trip to Europe next summer. Would be cool to have someone to join me though.

Nathaneal suprised us all last night. Said he's done with the whole "not giving a shit" attitude he's had since he's been back from the military. Supposedly he had a great conversation with the sister on his way back from Austin this weekend. I knew she was a smart girl, despite what people may think of her. =/ I for one am so glad. That attitude is part of what got us in trouble. lol. No elaboration needed. He said he wants to care now, said he needs to start taking things more seriously. He realized that having a serious relationship and getting married isn't possible if he's stuck in his so called "coping" mode. It sucks that he feels he has to box things up in order to cope. I told him it only makes things worse. hmmm...hopefully he sees the bigger picture soon.

I on the other hand have been making some really spiffy decisions. I want to shapen up and snap out of this phase I'm in. I never wanted to be here...it just kinda happened I guess. Despite what anyone thinks, that is the truth. It's just hard sometimes I guess. I've never been and will never be perfect. I guess trying to be that can getting overwhelming sometimes. But I don't need to be perfect. God sees my heart and my desires for him (even if my actions fail to prove that sometimes), and He works with it. I know one day I'll be so much further than all this. It just takes faith. Faith to believe that my life is in His hands.

At this point, it looks like we're all on the same page. God please help us. :)

The heart of a woman....

Last night we cooked dinner. It was interesting. As I sat down at the dinner table, everyone talking and enjoying the meal, I had a sudden memory. It reminded me of when a bunch of us were just like that. Morris, Erika, Syliva, Alyx, Omar, Herby, & Rudy. I remembered the days when we would gather like a little family and eat dinner or hangout until the wee hours of the night. It felt nice last nice to have that "family" feeling again. It's different for me since I don't have any family to see on a daily basis. Eating by yourself and being alone gets kinda boring after a while. Dinner was delicious. Conversations were humorous.

As we were hanging out cooking, I realized that I have the silly heart of a woman. I love cooking & being feminine. I really do, lol. I'm the type of girl who longs to be submissive to someone. I want to be able to express this form of love to someone. Liza and I were talking about it the other day. I want to do it without being told. That really upsets me if the guy acts like a jerk and demands of the woman. He deprives her of her ability to express a type of love that is unlike any other. Let her want or desire to please him and serve him. I really want to do that. Over the past few years, I've realized I have a lot of motherly characteristics about me. I think I learned it from my mom. She was like that a lot, and I guess maybe it just rubbed off me a little. One of the good qualities I got from her. lol
Nate thinks it's cool how I love to cook. He says it's admirable. On top of being his "favorite" person and his "hero times 2," lol, I think I liked that comment the most. Unfortunately, he's beginning to know me a little too well...knows I don't like being told what to do. I said "I want to be in the kitchen as long as I'm not told to be in the kitchen" and then proceeded to walk towards the kitchen. Jerk replies "get in the kitchen Erika." As he expected, I turned around and walked right back outside. I'm glad he gets a kick out of my stubborness. lol. At least someone does. haha

Anyways, Long blog short, I really do like being a woman. I think despite some of the hard parts of being a woman, I am really glad I'm able to be that. It's going to get here someday, I still believe that. I'm gonna be able to show someone this love....and it'll be a great desire coming from my heart. Thank God He placed this inside of me. :)

Knowing truth from lies

They tell me to give up on you, to let you go, to move on, to forget about it all. They tell me I'm so much better than all of this, that I deserve someone better, that things will change if I let go.

At this point, I'm not sure what my mind believes anymore. I know ev.one is trying to help with their encouraging words and whatnot, but I'm not sure my mind wants to agree with any of those things they say.

How exactly am I supposed to forget? I mean, I know it's possible to forget it all...in time of course. But what do I do when the memories are still so real. I guess that's what I get for pushing my boundaries with you and letting you in a little too far. Dang, I never thought I'd be in this place again...not so soon I guess. Maybe I really am a fool. A fool who believes in love but always screws it all up so as to push love away in the end.

I'm a little apathetic today. I hope this goes away. =/

No luck of the Irish

I'm not irish.
I have no luck, or maybe luck doesn't exist. St. Patrick's day was a blast....well, at least towards the end. The beginning of the day started out kinda crappy. I woke up feeling like I wanted to fall into depression. Nothing new, I know, but I hate that feeling. It went away though...no worries. Lovely sylvester stopped by my work and cheered me up. :)

So, in one of my last blogs I stated that I was trying really hard to get out of a sticky situation I was in. News: I'm out. I had been praying that God would do something drastic to get me out. It almost felt as if that was the only way I would get out. well, it happened. Drama up the crapper, but it happened. Hence, part of why the depression wanted to settle in, but I had to realize that I had been asking God to do it for me. praise Him, He is good!

I wish people would learn to value the feelings of others. Friends need to be real friends. Real friends are considerate of others. Even if they make mistakes, they don't disappear or act like they could careless. If that's the type of friendships people want to offer me, then please skip by me. I'd really rather not have that in my life.

Also, what's up with the excuses given for people who backstab you? Really? Does that even sound fair? I mean, I totally understand that we all have issues, but that should in no way devalue the emotions of the one hurt. That is no excuse for behavior. Seriously, take your issues and shove 'em somewhere far away, bc my feelings still exist. I've come to the conclusion that most girl are rotten. They all hate each other and care for nothing but themselves. I'm sticking to the last few I have left and adding no more. The drama can disappear for all I care. Hmmm...who knows. Maybe it's a brownsville or s. tx thing. Are there seriously not enough boys here for girls to take. Or is it something that becomes hyper-attractive. "Let's start talking to that guy...there's a girl in his life, but who cares. I want him. Goal:get him" Kinda disappointing i guess.
OR...!! maybe that's MY luck. haha.

no worries. I always get over it (eventually). lol
end of blog :)

Continuation of my lovely rambles :)

I'm at work right now. I'm so bored out of my mind, and I get off in 30 minutes. So I'm just gonna write :)

So there was this guy I met about a month ago. dun dun dun! haha. ok sorry. anyways...yeah. He seemed really great when I first met him. He was funny, real, and a tad hamsome. lol. Well, things started going in a direction that scared the crappers out of me. So I did this silly thing where I told him that we were non-exclusive. LOL. Seriously, in my mind (at the time) it seemed like the perfect thing to do. I thought I was protecting myself or something. I'm not so sure about that idea anymore. haha. I told him I was just having fun meeting new people and stuff and what we had going on...meant nothing. I feel like a retard now but whatever. So...now he's acting like a jerk. I don't like him at all anymore. He's showing a side of himself that I don't like at all. Maybe this is who he really is, and I just didn't know. Maybe I caused this but oh well. what's done is done. In fact, I did myself a favor and deleted his number last night. Others say I was just being hormonal, but I was dead serious on this decision. I'm not gonna repeat another chaotic relationship of ups and downs. Nope...I won't be that girl. I just feel kinda bad bc I wished we couldve been good friends. I will inevitably see him a lot...this I know, but I'm gonna try my best to act cool. Like nothings wrong and nothing was ever there. LOL. i guess wish me luck. haha

I'm not walking away....

I'm in such an awkward place in my life. I guess nothing is really "wrong" with me, I'm just a little conflicted. lol. whatever that means. I've been very distant from church and stuff for the past month. Not for any particular reason, but I just havent been around i guess. I honestly can't even remember the last time I went to church. That doesn't mean I still don't communicate with Dad, it's just that I guess I wanted to get away from people or something. The idea of "church" and what it's supposed to mean...seems like an idea so lost by a lot of people. I know, I know...you might say "well erika, then do something about it." but I say no thanks. not now. I can't even figure out my own life, how could I possibly make a difference. lol

I love God with all of my heart, soul and every part of my being. He definitely deserves to be praised forever! I started realizing something lately--who I am doesn't and wont ever change who HE is. I know that should be an obvious reality, but i guess I was a little slow on that one. Even though I might never achieve "perfection," He is still perfect, and that perfection of Himself lives right inside of me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and thinking that I need to live up to all these standards and labels and expectations. I want to live in union with the Almighty. I want to reach a place where I stop doubting myself and the people around me. Life is what it is.

On a last note: For anyone who knows what's been up with me lately...I'm trying really hard to stop all the crap. I promise. I guess I'm not doing an awesome job at it, but my heart is willing. I thank God that my heart is willing, and that He sees that in me. It's just hard. The people are great people, but I'm just having a hard time saying no. I hope all this stops soon. I'm being stubborn and can't make up my mind. Thank God for His mercy. He is good indeed!

The ones I want

The ones I want are never really the ones I want. I wish I could realize that stuff sooner. I always get lost in lala land and then sometime later I no longer want it anymore. Not only that, but now I'm getting frustrated bc the ones I don't want always want me. Ughhh. This cycle is exhausting. lol

I need to stop getting infatuated. ahlsjdflsjdflkjsdlksj :D

I'm hurt

I'm hurt and I'm refusing to say it aloud. I hate how I let people let me down and push me aside. I know I'm important...I guess maybe not to some people. I'm tired of being the one to call and text and invite. If not even that, being ignored tops it all off with a cherry! I hate getting no answers back or having my efforts just put aside. I feel like a total loser doing that. So, in the past month or so, I've decided to just stop. If I'm important then I would see a different outcome. I guess I'm saying I'm done. I'm done trying with everyone. Screw this crap.

I need a friend right now, a friend to talk to and help me. I look to my left...then to my right...even up in the air. I find none. How sad. =/
I guess even when family has ups and downs, they are the only ones that prove to be there forever. I should've realized this long ago.