Hoarse whispers.

--ok. So i have 2 hours before my lunch date gets out of class. (fyi...we're having chinese food. yum yum)

--I'm in the computer lab in north....
i realized that I think whispering is annoying. Everyone can hear you anyway...just talk!
especially whispers coming from sick people....they sound painful. lol
the sound of your saliva smacking against your lips and inside your mouth. I'll pass...thanks. talk to me normal...or don't talk at all. :)

--It's only 10am, and I've already said 3 times to different people that today is monday.
Thanks to bill, i was shot back to reality. IT's tuesday!! get with it erika.

--I finished my exam for my human sexuality class in like 20 minutes. Talk about easyyyyyyyy.

--I met this guy named gilbert. He's my new relocating agent. lol
we've decided to correspond through emails. He's already sent me a good list of apartments to look at. (I'll foward the email to you sylvia)
The more I think about how SA will be...the more excited I get. I mean....I will probably do absolutely nothing, just the way I do now, but it's NOT the valley. Case closed. :)

--My nephew was born last wednesday. I'm going to try to get pictures up ASAP.
My brother text me last night with 5 pics of him. He's like the freakin cutest baby ever. haha.

ok. good day. :)

Truth

God is perfect.

that's truth.

in a nutshell.



It's cool how He can see my whole life laid out...and I can't.
It makes things so interesting.

I feel free. Free to live my life w/no regrets. It's done. & it's over. So let's move on. =)

The caffeine jitters

usually the decision to drink some form of coffee is more enticing before you consume it.
at least for me.

I find myself craving iced vanilla coffees from Mr. Ronald D. but then after going through half of the cup....I feel horrible.

I think it's some sort of suffering I do to myself. I love the way it tastes, but It makes me so horrible afterwards.

I'm in la library, and I feel my heart going way faster than it should.
My hands feel all jittery....like i'm all cracked up or something.
It's kinda funny actually....a little uncomfortable too.

I wrote an essay for this job I'm applying to.
I'm a pretty fast/good typer. (Thank God for that keyboarding class in HS)
BUT....since I feel like i'm on drugs, I'm typing wayyyyyy faster than i usually do. LOL
In the midst of this expected quiet atmosphere I'm in....all you can hear is my fingers quickly hitting the keyboard as I'm typing.
I'm just waiting for someone to give me that nasty stare...
you know...the one that's intended for you to shut up because you're bothering them or breaking their concentration. haha
-OR- the big "shhhhhhhhh!"

haha.

well...i'm off to turn in my job app.
Please pray that I get the job.
It's $10/hr. woot woot!

Thank God for my over qualifications. :)

Revelation #548435482 :)

I forgive you.

I finally realized last night that peices of me still hadn't forgiven you.

Ya see, God made me understand something that I guess I just wasn't seeing before...

For some, this revelation might be obvious, but for me...it was something that set me free.

We were all looking for the same thing. I'm not sure I can explain that too much here, but that's what He revealed to me.

I couldn't understand that.
& we all, at least at one point in our lives...look for that in other places. I'm sorry that I did...and did for a while. I wanted something that I was born to want...it's just that it was destined to be filled by something more real. My first Love. My True Love.

I guess you can say it is both a strength and a weakness.
But He told me that I finally found it. I finally felt what I couldn't and didn't want to feel before.

Fear is a rotten thing....but it happens.
I was afraid of letting Him give certain things to me because I never had them. Imitation love will never be enough. I thought maybe I knew what that was, but when He shows it to you...it's something you never want to let go of. I found it, and I'm keeping it. It's mine. :)

One of my best friends told me a story last week that made me picture myself.
I was like a baby in her Dad's arms...who would never rest...always kicking and screaming when He wanted to hold me. I wasn't used to Love...and I fought Him for so long. I kicked...I screamed...I put up the best fight I could. But you see, I would NEVER win. Ever. So...eventually...after that, every time He held me, I was calm. I embraced the fact that He was going to love the heck out of me no matter how much I screamed and kicked.

I wish I could physically feel His arms around me. I layed in bed last night and believed that He was doing that. It felt so awesome to be loved by Him. & that's when I felt the freedom. That was the moment I knew in my heart...the fight was over.

& then I realized.......I FORGIVE YOU.
bc...we were both looking for the same thing.
& I pray that you find it too.
Even though I once told you that I gave up on you ever changing (that was wrong of me =/ ), you are still in my prayers. I hope you get the chance to feel what I felt....please just open your eyes.

<3,

me.

5pm nonesense

I started regretting my decision last night....
my decision to stay up like a crazy college student until wee hours of the night.
I haven't really been doing this a lot recently...at least since i've been back home.
I was in brownsville as of yesterday....had "a really important meeting" to attend. Putting quotes on that was by no means a way of saying that it wasn't important...i was just quoting the person. It was important.

anyways....

hung out with some friends last night and didn't go home until 4 something in the AM. Got back...we started talking some more when we got back home...and I had class at 9am. I only slept 3 hours. I was soooooooo tired. So after class we got back and i fell asleep again.
I hate the sense of feeling like i missed out on my day...but then again..i LOVE sleeping! :)


I found out 2 days ago that I CAN'T graduate in december! what the fluffy pancakes?!! I sat in front of the adviser with tears accumulating around my eyes. I kept telling myself NOT to cry. lol. pretty sad picture. Yeah, so i'm missing ONE freakin hour! I couldn't believe it! So now...i'm tryng to decide what i'm going to do in the mean time. I'm so close to giving up on school....i even told her that. She looked at me with an akward glance......like I was stupid or something. I guess the thought was pretty stupid. I've been at utb for my 5th year. That keeps reminding me how old I am...and how i have yet to start my life. klasjdfkjsdlkfjklasdjf!!11

I was thinking the past few days that...
i hate how it's so hard to be JUST someone's friend. Why can't there be NO expectations....just friends. gah! A dear friend of mine said...."well tell him you just want to be friends"
All i could think of is....why do i even have to state that at all?? I haven't promised anything to anyone...and don't usually go into these things saying "hey...you're cool. but i just want to be friends. that's it." How lame is that! I guess i'm pretty peeved at the thought of it.



I still think of someone from time to time. But it's so much different now when I think of him. He's become part of "just something that happened in my life" I hope that doesn't sound jerkish...but it's true. I'm glad that God has me where He has me, and I have a lot of hope these days. I'm pretty happy. I think it has a lot to do with being away. I like it....but i guess it has it's downsides. I'm excited for MY future....but I just want to get the heck out of school. I know there's not much for me here in the valley. I know it's NOT my home. I'm still asking God where that is...He'll tell me...soon enough. :)


Bon wants my attention, so I have to go now. ;)
(you know you want me bon, admit it!)

Vanilla Iced coffe

I'm so sore.
besides being sore...I'm so cold.
This campus needs to realize that people don't function when they are half frozen (I say...assuming "this campus" has a mind of it's own.)

I'm back home for like a little less than a week, and I'm already losing it, or so it seems.
I need a lock on my door...seriously. I don't know how much longer I can do this whole people barging in w/out knocking or reading the sign on the door. They're going to be the death of me...or maybe just the reason for explosions of my quite upset mouth.

On a good note, God is realllllly good! He loves us so much. I wish people could just see it though.
My prayer is for our eyes to be open. Let us not sleep, lest we sleep the sleep of death.

I want to move somewhere and get a real job already. Anyone want to hire me? and pay me way more than i deserve? pretty please?.....maybe with a cherry on top? NO?...ok. fine.

I'm off to my human sexuality class.
that's always intereseting....to say the least.

laterzzzzzzz~~

Amerika's nation

I skipped class today.
OoOoO..I'm a rebel. ;)

My sociology class bites. It's so friggin boringgggggggg. The professor takes like 1 minute to say one word. I want to hit him on the head...maybe the computer in his head isn't working right. Isn't that what you do when things don't work. Hit them? or at least that's how ppl around here tell me things run.
There's also this dude in my class who never stops talking. I think he wants the class to know he's well knowledgable in subjects other than this one. He gives these examples about random facts that no one has heard of...and then corelates it to sociology.
Goodness...being a loving christian is hard sometimes. So I wrote God a letter in class instead asking him to help me be a better lover of people. =D

I ran into an old friend....that was pretty cool.
Today I made a point to say hi.
Sometimes I do that thing where I act like I don't know/remember the person. LOL.
but today I felt friendly.

Last night God gave me some words...put together to make a little sense....
"God's love is greater than any offense or hurt"
so...i shared it. I hope it made a difference.


I like being a nobody at school. My class already graduated, and I hardly run into people that I know. It's pretty cool. Sometimes I think I really am invisible...which i forget isn't true. I probably look like a weirdo to people...but that's ok. :)

I'm off distance education office...bc of course, this school is so disfunctional. =/

Peace. <3

The rains of Your Love

Yesterday marked one week since I've been gone from good old browntown (that phrase said with much force =/ )
I've had an amazing time up here...probably like i've already mentioned in a previous blabber of my blogs. :)

So basically I'm leaving here in two days. I'm SO glad I came. I needed this little get-a-way with The One & Only. I guess in the past year, I sort of lost part of who I was. I was warned, graciously, but I guess I chose to be ignorant to that warning. Thank God for God.

During my time here, Father told me many many things that He loved about me. I think I started forgetting those little things. I've had too many reasons (given by my environment and situations) to make me believe very much otherwise. But He gave me my hope back again. Just when I was about to let go completely, He reached into the innermost parts of who I am, and He gave me my identity back. Parts of me are scared as heck to live out my calling....but He keeps telling me it's going to be ok. So....I'm trusting you God...really, I am.

On a bonus note:
There's this internship called "The Call"
I talked to Brian Kim yesterday, and I with ev.thing that has already been confirmed through God, I'm pretty sure that in a year and half I'm moving up to KC. I've decided to work as a teacher for that time before and save up enough money to take on this journey that God is calling me to.
I realized yesterday that I'm totally not ready to take that on right now. Good thing I don't have the money, because If I did, I'd so humanly make that decision without God's OK. I know that already. haha


I'm not so sure about the whole doctor thing anymore. I've been thinking that for a couple of years now. I actually kinda surprised myself with that idea when it popped into my memBRAIN. :)
I don't really care what anyone says. I know that EVERYONE and their mothers were expecting me to do this, but I'm not so sure it's part of the plan anymore.
I remember last year I snuck into this conference in galveston during my summer program, and they did this alter call for people who believed they were destined to do full time ministry. My thoughts were....well...i was flabbergasted. (best word I could think of...because I was just that). My feeble mind couldn't comprehend how someone could possible be ok with giving their entire lives to full time ministry. I thought they were crazy.
BUT...now I find myself pulling toward the Anna Calling in my life. I desire nothing more than to give my whole life to God. I kinda knew this was going to happen one day...might have just been in denial.


My life was meant for this nation. My soul and heart cry out at just the thought of people perishing in this world. I want to lay my life down to give God glory for who He is. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I want to be radical. I am radical. These longings were planted far before I even existed....it's part of my being.


~to be continued.....

Where is home?

I'm in Kansas City :)
It's freakin awesome here.
I really don't want to go back home....ever. =/
God was expecting me here....told someone I was coming too. o.O
Makes me realize again how much he loves me.
I want to be with Him, and no one else.
But I don't know where to go to find that.
I just need a little time....

Today he said..."I stripped it all away so you can see My beauty. I took it all away so we could be alone"

wow. He really wants me. I'm taking a break from the fast life. I need to just "stop" is what He said. So....I'm going to try to do that. Let it be us. To know Him more. To let Him heal me.

I really need this.

God please find a home for me. Please stop these circles I've stood in for a while now. It makes me feel anxious. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please be my Home. <3