Man yesterday was a weird day. I was on the brink of feeling depressed and actually going through with it. I haven't really been able to feel much the past few months. I think I purposely let my heart get cold/hard. But somehow, the last few days I've been able to feel again. It's good, but on my way to work yestereday I almost had a panic attack. It was as if all the past months flashed before my eyes and I was so overwhelmed with myself. I don't know who I've become or why I've become this person. In that moment I was regretting several things I've done that lacked so much dignity and integrity that I once had. I miss that girl who held her spirits high and was confidant in herself. Just realizing how people have the ability to throw you down and take it from you sucks. I want to get back to that place where I am Amerika again. The amerika that believed she was so awesome and great. It was such a good feeling. lol.
Anyways...luis hungout with me last night and that really helped me snap out of the depressing state I wanted to sink into. I always have so much fun with him. We sat in the "wild woods" and just talked. I'm not sure I've had that much fun just talking with someone in a long time. We were there from 7:00-11:30 last night. haha Learning about people is so interesting. Luis thinks I'm hilarious/weird but it's funny. He was being so silly last night (he kept yelling "I feel so siiiillly!!" lol). I was getting a kick out of him. We talked about God. That's always great. We're kinda on the same page as far as that goes, and it's actually kind of comforting. God is good. Even if I never say it or act upon it, He is always good. :)
Good day :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
sugar sugar how'd you get so flyyy
Here at work yet again. This hell hole is almost over. Thank God!
Tuesdays are always crazy days. It's like I can't seem to spare myself the craziness, but I must admit, I love it! lol
I was supposed to go to the movies with luis yesterday, but plans changed and that didn't happen. We had our weekly celebration of tuesday. Liza's friend tanya was here from out of town and we took her out. She's been a little depressed lately, so she NEEDED a night out. I think it worked bc she said she had a blast. :)
The night was pretty fun. Liza, me, sid, tanya, ruby, ruby, popcorn, alyx, morrison, pete, and 2 random girls I don't really know made up this group of ours last night. Usually we don't go there with a lot of people, but when we do, it gets crazy. Unfortunately some people still don't know how to just chill it with the alcohol, but I guess that happens. The DJ played some pretty good old school music which made everyone want to dance. lol.
My stupid stalker was there, like always, which pretty much sucked. Him and his friends stared the whole freakin time. It was annoying. He kept coming up to me...or tried coming up to me. I was blowing him off like I didn't see him. haha. It was pretty funny. He tried buying me a bouquet of flowers too! man he's such a weirdo. lol There was this guy that usually goes there that liza and I think looks like superman. He's super handsome too! He has the whole thing down....glasses and all! Well earlier in the night I kept saying I was gonna get enough guts to approach him. haha well, I did. I just walked up to him and told him. It was hilarious. :)
The rubies got a little out of hand again. haha. crazy girls. I found out this morning that tanya and liza were telling guys that we were lesbians so that they would leave us alone. LOL! freakin girls. We eventually left back to sids house. On the way there pop proclaimed his love for me. hahahahah! so weird now that I think of it. He got me all emotional afterwards and I ended up in tears. I have no idea why I was crying, but it was super bad. Liza was trying to calm me down and make me feel better. Apparently tanya's distress from her breakup rubbed off me a little. I was angry at the world and all guys that are cowards and can't live up to promises. lol. I didn't want tanya to see me bc I was afraid that she'd start crying too. lol So, my brilliant plan was to hide behind the dinning room table in the dark. Everyone was looking for me and they started freaking out bc they thought I had wandered off down the neighborhood. haha. yeah right!
So pretty much it was another crazy night. Full of excitement and craziness, like always. haha :)
Tuesdays are always crazy days. It's like I can't seem to spare myself the craziness, but I must admit, I love it! lol
I was supposed to go to the movies with luis yesterday, but plans changed and that didn't happen. We had our weekly celebration of tuesday. Liza's friend tanya was here from out of town and we took her out. She's been a little depressed lately, so she NEEDED a night out. I think it worked bc she said she had a blast. :)
The night was pretty fun. Liza, me, sid, tanya, ruby, ruby, popcorn, alyx, morrison, pete, and 2 random girls I don't really know made up this group of ours last night. Usually we don't go there with a lot of people, but when we do, it gets crazy. Unfortunately some people still don't know how to just chill it with the alcohol, but I guess that happens. The DJ played some pretty good old school music which made everyone want to dance. lol.
My stupid stalker was there, like always, which pretty much sucked. Him and his friends stared the whole freakin time. It was annoying. He kept coming up to me...or tried coming up to me. I was blowing him off like I didn't see him. haha. It was pretty funny. He tried buying me a bouquet of flowers too! man he's such a weirdo. lol There was this guy that usually goes there that liza and I think looks like superman. He's super handsome too! He has the whole thing down....glasses and all! Well earlier in the night I kept saying I was gonna get enough guts to approach him. haha well, I did. I just walked up to him and told him. It was hilarious. :)
The rubies got a little out of hand again. haha. crazy girls. I found out this morning that tanya and liza were telling guys that we were lesbians so that they would leave us alone. LOL! freakin girls. We eventually left back to sids house. On the way there pop proclaimed his love for me. hahahahah! so weird now that I think of it. He got me all emotional afterwards and I ended up in tears. I have no idea why I was crying, but it was super bad. Liza was trying to calm me down and make me feel better. Apparently tanya's distress from her breakup rubbed off me a little. I was angry at the world and all guys that are cowards and can't live up to promises. lol. I didn't want tanya to see me bc I was afraid that she'd start crying too. lol So, my brilliant plan was to hide behind the dinning room table in the dark. Everyone was looking for me and they started freaking out bc they thought I had wandered off down the neighborhood. haha. yeah right!
So pretty much it was another crazy night. Full of excitement and craziness, like always. haha :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
whatever do I say?
I just realized that blogs are like writing journals. I mean i know that's like a 'duh' type of thing to say, but I guess I never really thought of it like that. I might start writing like if this is my journal (if I already don't do that).
So YESTERDAY was uber fun. I went to work like usual. It was so boring. Afterwards I felt like treating myself to something new (even if I can't afford it. lol) I bought myself a new shirt that was on sale (of course). Then Luis texted me that he was out from his horrible jury duty. lol. He wanted to hangout, so I went to go get him from his house. We didn't really know what to do, so we decided to go to the park that's by the zoo. At first I thought it was gonna be kinda awkard, but I had a great time. Luis is a great & active listener. It's like he's always eager to hear more of what I have to say and he always asks lots of questions. haha. It's cute. So we talked half the time and the other half we just laughed. It was indeed a great day. There was never a dull moment. Nice time :)
Then later liza called me to tell me we were gonna have dinner at chilis. So I took luis home so he could change (weirdo), and then we were off. Dinner was ok. I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. Unfortunately it probably even looked like I hadn't. haha.
We were supposed to watch a movie afterwards, but I guess some stuff happened and we didn't. Instead, we parted our ways with liza, tanya and sid, and Luis and I were off back to the park. It is the park that sylvia and I usually make dates at, so I thought of her when I got there :) We sat on the big rocks for another few hours just talking.
Although I didn't really do much that day, it felt like a really good day. I enjoyed it :D
Now let's see what adventures I get myself into today ;)
So YESTERDAY was uber fun. I went to work like usual. It was so boring. Afterwards I felt like treating myself to something new (even if I can't afford it. lol) I bought myself a new shirt that was on sale (of course). Then Luis texted me that he was out from his horrible jury duty. lol. He wanted to hangout, so I went to go get him from his house. We didn't really know what to do, so we decided to go to the park that's by the zoo. At first I thought it was gonna be kinda awkard, but I had a great time. Luis is a great & active listener. It's like he's always eager to hear more of what I have to say and he always asks lots of questions. haha. It's cute. So we talked half the time and the other half we just laughed. It was indeed a great day. There was never a dull moment. Nice time :)
Then later liza called me to tell me we were gonna have dinner at chilis. So I took luis home so he could change (weirdo), and then we were off. Dinner was ok. I felt like I hadn't eaten in days. Unfortunately it probably even looked like I hadn't. haha.
We were supposed to watch a movie afterwards, but I guess some stuff happened and we didn't. Instead, we parted our ways with liza, tanya and sid, and Luis and I were off back to the park. It is the park that sylvia and I usually make dates at, so I thought of her when I got there :) We sat on the big rocks for another few hours just talking.
Although I didn't really do much that day, it felt like a really good day. I enjoyed it :D
Now let's see what adventures I get myself into today ;)
Monday, May 18, 2009
confusion fusion
I wonder when my time is coming. Is there really a time that I'm waiting on, or do I have the ability to take things into my own hands. I think I'm pretty sure I know the answer to these questions that wonder my brain. I'm starting to be ok with waiting. I'm starting to lose interest in love and the thoughts of lonliness are settling in comfortably. The strangest part is that I'm not completely or physically alone, yet it feels like it. My heart is so unsure of what it wants, but as the days pass by, it's a little more sure than the day before. Funny that this all sounds so contradicting, but that's my mind for ya. It might just be that each day I'm realizing that what I at some points want, isn't really what I want. It's perhaps just the idea of it rather than IT itself.
But then again, I can still hear a voice in the back of my mind that tells me I need to stop being so picky. That maybe the reason I find so many faults in everyone that comes around is because I'm subconsciously wanting to push them all away. hmmm..idk anymore. I'm a screwed up girl that people have thrown around as they wished for years. I'm afraid of the one thing I want most at this point in my life, and I'm looking for someone to blame. For now, I guess I can blame myself.
There are so many beautiful faces around me and I can't seem to make up my mind. My heart pulls in almost 4 directions, and I don't know what I want. Is this just part of growing up?
silly erika, trix are for kids.
But then again, I can still hear a voice in the back of my mind that tells me I need to stop being so picky. That maybe the reason I find so many faults in everyone that comes around is because I'm subconsciously wanting to push them all away. hmmm..idk anymore. I'm a screwed up girl that people have thrown around as they wished for years. I'm afraid of the one thing I want most at this point in my life, and I'm looking for someone to blame. For now, I guess I can blame myself.
There are so many beautiful faces around me and I can't seem to make up my mind. My heart pulls in almost 4 directions, and I don't know what I want. Is this just part of growing up?
silly erika, trix are for kids.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Music in my heart <33
Something new I've learned about myself lately is how much I LOVE music. I think I always have, but I guess it's just become more obvious to me lately. I love how so many different sounds can come together and create such awesomeness. It's crazy...almost seems impossible for my mind to understand.
I have this desire to write music. I know I don't know how to and can't even play an instrument, but I believe that one day this will be possible for me. I was talking to luis the other day about how much I want to do this. I guess I never really tell people, but it just felt ok to tell him. He looked at me a little strange, and then was like "me tooo!!!" lol. It was the perfect reaction. I didn't feel stupid for wanting to do something I don't know much about. He does actually know how to play instruments, which I think is awesome. There's another desire I told him, which I've never told anyone before, and he was so supportive of it bc, again, he wants to do the same thing. haha. I think those "no way, me too!!" moments are pretty funny. I'm just glad it wasn't me doing it this time. lol
I wish I could listen to music allllll day long. I want to disect it and hear each piece as it plays. Hear each instrument and appreciate it's sound. What beauty God has made. :D
There's music in my heart <333
I have this desire to write music. I know I don't know how to and can't even play an instrument, but I believe that one day this will be possible for me. I was talking to luis the other day about how much I want to do this. I guess I never really tell people, but it just felt ok to tell him. He looked at me a little strange, and then was like "me tooo!!!" lol. It was the perfect reaction. I didn't feel stupid for wanting to do something I don't know much about. He does actually know how to play instruments, which I think is awesome. There's another desire I told him, which I've never told anyone before, and he was so supportive of it bc, again, he wants to do the same thing. haha. I think those "no way, me too!!" moments are pretty funny. I'm just glad it wasn't me doing it this time. lol
I wish I could listen to music allllll day long. I want to disect it and hear each piece as it plays. Hear each instrument and appreciate it's sound. What beauty God has made. :D
There's music in my heart <333
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Oh is that so....
I haven't written a blog in a few weeks....dang, I thought I was on a role. I guess there hasn't really been much time for it lately. Feels like there's so much going on and so little time to get things done.
I am no longer a college student...as of yesterday. It feels so weird. I keep thinking I'm not even done with HS yet. haha. ok, not really, but still. Now I'm a grown adult with even more grown adult responsibilities. I can't keep the excuse not to have a job or just to have a part-time job anymore. It's time to start a career...even if I don't plan on keeping that specific one for a long time.
So saturday's gonna be a blast. I'm celebrating until the sun comes up! haha. 5 years in school deserves a hell of a dang celebration (at least I think so). I already told my dad not to expect me to come home. haha. That's weird enough in itself....can't even remember the last time I had to tell a parent I was going out. But he's cool...he totally understands. Anyone interested in dancing the night away with me, let me know! (as if ppl actually read this.lol)
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Last night was awesome. I hung out with LUiza and sid. The four of us together is a trip. We went to the beach to bum around. It was actually kinda funny bc that whole day went soooo wrong in every way, but I came out alive! lol. I almost got hit by 3 different cars, locked my house keys and car key inside my car, and ran around brownsville like a chicken w/out a head. I almost wanted to tell everyone I wanted to just go home and cry. lol. But I didn't!
I've come to the conclusion that Luis is pretty awesome. He's such a strange yet cool boy. He's not like most guys, which is kinda cool. His sense of humor is so weirdddddd, and you have to really pay attn to him to get half of what his jokes are. I think that makes him more fun. lol Liza and Sid agree. I think we've officially added him to our little group of friends, but he doesn't know it yet. I'm sure he wouldn't mind though. :D
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babbles continued...
I had some really weird thoughts the other night. I all of a sudden couldn't remember who I used to be. It as so weird. I was trying to remember the old, better life I had once had, and I could not for the life of me remember. Do I still even know how to be that girl again? Not so sure anymore. And as weird as this may sound, I think that that might be how things are supposed to be. I think the past few months of my life are going to teach me something that'll impact the rest of my life. So do I regret everything that's happen thus far? Not really. I mean, there are several things I wish I could take back, but mostly I don't. I've had my own personal wake up call, and I want to change some things I've allowed to happen. I want to respect myself and believe in great things.
Yes....that's the plan :)
I am no longer a college student...as of yesterday. It feels so weird. I keep thinking I'm not even done with HS yet. haha. ok, not really, but still. Now I'm a grown adult with even more grown adult responsibilities. I can't keep the excuse not to have a job or just to have a part-time job anymore. It's time to start a career...even if I don't plan on keeping that specific one for a long time.
So saturday's gonna be a blast. I'm celebrating until the sun comes up! haha. 5 years in school deserves a hell of a dang celebration (at least I think so). I already told my dad not to expect me to come home. haha. That's weird enough in itself....can't even remember the last time I had to tell a parent I was going out. But he's cool...he totally understands. Anyone interested in dancing the night away with me, let me know! (as if ppl actually read this.lol)
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Last night was awesome. I hung out with LUiza and sid. The four of us together is a trip. We went to the beach to bum around. It was actually kinda funny bc that whole day went soooo wrong in every way, but I came out alive! lol. I almost got hit by 3 different cars, locked my house keys and car key inside my car, and ran around brownsville like a chicken w/out a head. I almost wanted to tell everyone I wanted to just go home and cry. lol. But I didn't!
I've come to the conclusion that Luis is pretty awesome. He's such a strange yet cool boy. He's not like most guys, which is kinda cool. His sense of humor is so weirdddddd, and you have to really pay attn to him to get half of what his jokes are. I think that makes him more fun. lol Liza and Sid agree. I think we've officially added him to our little group of friends, but he doesn't know it yet. I'm sure he wouldn't mind though. :D
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babbles continued...
I had some really weird thoughts the other night. I all of a sudden couldn't remember who I used to be. It as so weird. I was trying to remember the old, better life I had once had, and I could not for the life of me remember. Do I still even know how to be that girl again? Not so sure anymore. And as weird as this may sound, I think that that might be how things are supposed to be. I think the past few months of my life are going to teach me something that'll impact the rest of my life. So do I regret everything that's happen thus far? Not really. I mean, there are several things I wish I could take back, but mostly I don't. I've had my own personal wake up call, and I want to change some things I've allowed to happen. I want to respect myself and believe in great things.
Yes....that's the plan :)
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