lols

The most "pathetic" thing about me is that I still put up with your crap.

grow up.

What an interesting night....

So after getting bitched at twice by boss yesterday, the day kinda ending up sucking. Apart from that, I was dyinggggggg of pain too. I announced to everyone that yesterday was the day I was gonna die, but here I am, once again. lol

After taking medicine and eating liza's mom's wonderful food, I began feeling and looking on the bright side. haha. The night was full of people that I NEVER thought I'd hang out with at the same time. lol. It brought back some memories too.

It was Rudy Marks, Jessica, Liza, Sid, me, Nathanael, popcorn, pop's random friend, and Matt. Pretty interesting group, but kinda fun at the same time. and again...I didn't pay for ANYTHING!! wonderful guys. lol. thanks rudy and Nathanael! haha

The night ended at sid's house with crazy deep conversation. Jessica threatened to beat up almost all the guys. It was hilarious! Rudy gave me advice on boys. HAHAH! Popcorn started evangelizing and nate actually wanted to hear more! Matt is insane in the membrane. Sid called me a liar which pissed me off and had me storm out angry. Nathanael came to calm me down and we ended up sitting for a while on the sidewalk down the street just talking. Then two cop cars drove by and ID'd both of us. That was the scariest part of it all. I mean, even if I'm not doing anything wrong, cops always freak me out. I was so nervous that I told him i was 23 and lived on lewis st. hahahaha. Don't know why i said that. Then we found out that the cops stalked us for hours bc when Nathanael went home, they pulled him over in front of the house! he literally drove for like 3 seconds and then the lights went up. crazy.

So, all in all, a very interesting night. lol

bc I'm bored and I CAN!!!

blog numero dos for the day. :) (it's not like i have anything else to do here at this lame job. lol)

Tuesday afternoon I got in a huge argument with Nathanael. grrrr. I was so pissed. What was more annoying is that he likes to use big words when he fights, which made me feel even stupider (is that a word? haha) I called him out on being judgemental and arrogant and he denied it all (there's way more to the story). Maybe I should've cooled down before attempting to confront him, but i didn't :/
Like always, i was manipulated to make it seem like it was me blowing this into a bit thing. It was me "having a fit" and an "episode." jerk. I'm not a little kid. lol
And again, like always, I was too forgiving. I couldn't be mad at him and we ended up being silly and laughing it off. gah! stupid boys. I'm gonna try to avoid him now....don't really want to see him anymore after that. It's time to move on....

To brighten things up, I went out with liza and luis. luiza. haha. jk. sorry.
anyways...i had sooooooo much fun! Except for liza getting a little sick, the night was fantastic! The music was wayyyy awesome for once....dj really hooked it up with great music.

Once again, I didn't spend a dime. (except for the first $2), but Luis paid for all my drinks. :)
This whole having guys make it rain is starting to turn out kinda nice. lol. Especially since I'm broke as a joke. The plan that night was to make me say "nathanael who?" haha. and heck did it work!

I think it's weird how guys have so much confidance. I was watching this video at the Vineyard last night that's about men/women. Girls are so insecure (for the most part) and guys can walk around with their heads up their behind and think they're it (for the most part...again). Why is that so? why can't we girls be as confidant as guys are? I will definitely never go up to a guy and ask him for his number or tell him I like him. & what's with the whole...guys don't care if you're with another guy...they still approach you? They're are so weird....maybe they really are from another planet. lol That night out, I had 3 different guys come up to me and ask for my number. lameeeeee. The funnier part is that all three of them asked if luis was my boyfriend. I said no of course, and ALL 3 of them were like....oh, it's bc you guys look like you're together. LOL! what the heck?! I mean I totally knew what they were talking about, bc we did kinda look like we were, but still! If a girl even 'looks' like she's with someone, why the heck do you even try?! Maybe that's why fights always start...bc guys are rude and approach girls that are already taken. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for me. lol. I wasn't with luis...so i guess my situation was a little different. At least luis isn't violent...he just stormed off outside mad and waited by my car. haha....crazy boy. :)


so, like i said...."nathanael who!?!?!?!"

lol---->for sylvester :)

When the boss gets pissed....

So today I woke up to my boss' phone call. He is pissed. Apparently the counsellor called him and told him I haven't been going. I was like 'what!?'

Yeah...the last few days of last week i didn't come. School has been frustrating me hardcore, and I have barely been able to sleep. I wanted to walk into her office today just so she could see the huge bags under my eyes and be like 'oh'. haha
So now I have to fix this, and we're having a staff meeting on friday probably so my boss can bitch us all out, if not just me. ahhhhhhhh. I'm so ready to quit already! I need the job and the money, but it feels so tempting to just walk into his office and be like...this job sucks, I quit!.

Man, I wish i had rich parents who would actually pay for my stuff. I wish I didn't have to struggle to always make ends meet. These little things make me excited to start working as a teacher (if i can even afford to get certified). After that, money won't be an issue and I can live comfortably. God please speed up the time. I'm getting ready to fall off the cliff :/

A case of the Mondaysssss

It's monday..... AGAIN!~

I almost skipped out on work today...but decided to get my lazy self up and just go. It was so tempting. I love how my mind knows how to manipulate itself. It gives me the best reasons to ever. And then I think...wow, did I really just come up with that?

haha. so yeah.

It's 4-freakin-20 today! gosh bagosh, the memories. lol I had a sudden urge to celebrate. I mean, not by getting baked or anything like that, lol, just hangout with some friends. It feels like a holiday one should at least attempt to celebrate. What a waste of a fake holiday that would be. I should make up my own holiday....hmmm....it could be brilliant. no? ok.


Well, after realizing that it's 420, i realized that i graduate in less than a month! that's freakin crazy! I'm readyyyyy. Now all I have to do is bare with the last few weeks I have left. It's gonna stink, but it'll be soooo worth it.


Good day my friend, good day :)

Soft and Sweet

Dear blogger friend,

why oh why do my days feel so long? In reality, am I really doing anything productive?
::shrugs shoulders::

not feeling myself so much lately. I want to be hyper again....someone make me hyper. However, I've been hanging out with alyx a few days this week and that's been awesome! He met my friend Johnny W. I think they'll be great friends. lol

I need something new in my life. Something to excite me and make me giddy. ::looks off into the distance with her hand above her eyes"....nope. nothing there.

ok, well...back to the studious stuff I've been doing.

Talk to you later buddy :)

As the sun goes down....

I don't care what anyone says, I think the Fast and the Furious movies are the cooooooolest ever! lol I just saw the new one, and I'm in love. Maybe bc I wish I could ride fast and furiously. In the movie, someone gets runover by a car and I yelled "awesome!' lol. I'm weird, I know. Maybe I secretly want to be a criminal. haha. jkkkkk.

Anyways. I'm supposed to be doing my homework and test that's due by midnight tonight, but I can't seem to make myself do it. gah!

I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately. My life is going in a direction that I dont think I saw coming...at all. I met up with my hs bff tanya on friday night in mcallen. It was awesome! I love/miss her soooo much. Nathanael took us to this weird redneck place, but she came anyway!! lol. So...basically, the plans are still to move to mcallen. I thought I was leaving the valley, but have decided that just leaving btown is decent enough for now. Plus my first year teaching should be somewhere close. Tanya's lease with her other roommates is up in august, so I'm moving in!!! yeahhhhh!!! I'm really excited! I think it should work out well. :)

but all in all, I still sit here wondering where my life is going. I still don't know, and that kinda bothers me. I know that God knows what He's doing, but what if I'm taking my life into control just a little. ::shrugs shoulders:: I hope I'm making the right choices. I'm wondering who I've become and who I'm supposed to be. I wonder when/where my life is gonna really start moving in some direction. Did I meet all the right people along the way as the years past by. Were any mistakes, were any absolute fate? I guess there's really no use in questioning things. Someone told me last night that I need to stop wasting my life. I'm young...I need to just live. hmmm....i dont know about that. lol

And the story of life continues.....

La La Land

I had the weirdesttttttttttttttttt dream last night.
I have no idea why I dreamt what I did, but i have mixed feelings about it.
Talk about hardcore randommmmmm.
There were different people in my dream....many who I never ever ever see, or hardly see mixed with people that I do see. The hardest parts to understand are the ones with the people that I don't talk to. And then those 2 groups of people that don't or hardly know each other KNEW each other! haha. The emotions that were shared in the dream were so weird. In real erika life, I don't feel ANY of the feelings I said or felt in the dream. LOL. I guess it made me kinda laugh when I woke up, yet it also made me a little confused.

Crazy dream Erika! Get your crap together!! :)

The last few weeks of dreams have been soooo weird. I'm starting not to know what's real and what is dream. I don't understand why I can't tell the difference. I walk around thinking something actually happened, then later realized it was just a dream. It's so odd.

Someone please wake me up!

Rising

Last night was nice.

God is good.

That was the topic of the discussion last night. A room full of almost strangers, all of whom life has treated differently. Some admitted to being scared to believe that statement, some never able to deny it.

My turn came around (I almost felt like I was in an AA meeting. lol). The only thing that resounded in my spirit was "always and forever." They kept saying it..."God is good," and all I kept hearing inside me was "always and forever." I tried explaining why I believed this statement was true. It wasn't hard to explain. It's not because I've always heard that phrase or bc people tell me to believe it, or I feel I have to believe it. I just truly do. It's in His character, it's in His nature. Every single thing that God has ever done throughout history is proof of His goodness. I can read about it, witness it, or whatever, but it IS true.
Some people can look at my life history and think I've had an unfortunate story growing up. I don't. I acknowledge that God has always been there in every situation, every moment. He's the One who has me where I am today. Even if I don't get what I want in life, even if I don't get prayers answered and I don't see life going my way. I want to be humbly His. I want all selfishness inside me to diminish. Yes, the impatient and disappointed part of me come from time to time, but nonetheless, I'm still always His and will wait if I have to. I don't want to want the things that God doesnt want for me. He's sees a bigger picture in the end. He's sees many things I can't see. That gives me hope though, bc knowing that He knows what's in store for me seems to ease my soul. My mind says "as long as someone knows, then I'm safe." lol. & who better than the God Almighty :)

I spent the afternoon in the prayer room. It was amazing. I woke up yesterday feeling like I just wanted to soak in His presence. Well, I was able to and it was awesome. I literally laid on the floor and just let Him love on me. I don't know know how I was down and out, but losing track of time while being with Him is always great.

"It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it in the end. The moment I see your face, it's gonna be worth it."

-God hear the cries of my heart. Hear the longings I have for you. I know that in the end of this life....it's gonna be worth it. All the turmoil, all the pain, all the fighting violently....when I get to see Your beautiful face...it'll all be worth it. <3

Good day gone bad.

(this is a generalized blog, intended for no one person...just an expression of my emotions today)

I hate judgement. If I could yell it from the roof tops....I would!
Lately, I've been wanting to go back to the simple things of life. Back when I first fell in love with God. Back when I knew my heart wanted nothing more than to be with the King! I mean, isn't that what christianity is all about? Loving God, being in union with God. If you're in it for the people, then please recheck yourself. I'm tired of hearing so many people complain about christians (including myself). Is a christian's first focus about the people around us, or is it about God. I never went in to this whole thing because I wanted to make friends and hope that everyone was loyal to me. I went into it with a desire to know more of the Heart that so longed for me. When our motivations die out because we're hurt or we're lonely or confused, then where did that first love focus go? (again, this includes me in every way)

My heart is lovesick. In all transparency...it is. I'm longing to be with my one True Love again. He's been telling me lately that He misses me. I believe that's true with every part of my being. I have these longings inside of me that no one knows. And frankly, I could care less if anyone knew, bc in all reality it doesn't matter if a single soul knows. Only Him. Even if it takes me a decade, He will always be waiting for me. Always helping me to overcome one mountain at a time. That's who He is! He never gives up on a single soul...even when all humanity does. When not a single soul agrees with us, when not a single soul is there to help or understand us. That's who I fell in love with! With the God that gives and gives and gives of Himself daily, yearning for each one of us to just grasp on. To take it and run.

I know I've been running from Him for a couple of months. To tell you the truth, that action was never complete. Everytime I stood on my two feet and got ready to sprint for it, He always stood right in front of me. Even when I was down right rebelling...His voice was always in the back of my mind, my heart, my soul. To this day, He hasn't ceased to do that. I don't care if I'm not perfect and I'm not doing everything right. Judge me, I don't care anymore. Think of me as weak, I don't care. Think of me as foolish! I don't care!!! Bc the moment I look up at Him and ask Him what He thinks of me, all I get is "beauty!" You see, He still sees me as lovely as He ever did in all the years I've been with Him. No mess I put myslef into will ever EVER change that. So go ahead, all you discouraging voices, go ahead and lose hope in me and judge me. Say I'm not a "good christian," talk about what you don't like about me...I really don't care.

All things are going to work out fine in the end. I have faith in this. I have faith in Him.! I'm slowly but surely getting my act together, and He's giving me hope. And this is what He does for every person. He wants each person to prosper. He thinks these great things of every child of His. It's not only me, it's all people. He sees more to them than we will ever see. He knows more of them than you or I will ever know. So please don't act like you're so righteous above all others. People don't think you have a right to judge anyone, bc YOU DON'T. He's the only righteous Judge there will ever be! Let HIM deal with each one of us...it isn't your place.

I want to fully know what the Love of God is. What it feels like to be so full of love that it changes the way my mind thinks. That it makes me love the people around me so much. That it makes me see more in people...potential in people, instead of judging them for their mistakes.

This is a desire of my heart.