be safe now, ya hear?

hello my invisible blogger friend :)

Today in my human sexuality class we talked about LOVE.
It was a very interesting topic....but at the end the class I realized something.
As my teacher was talking about relationships and love, I felt like I was in counseling.
I mean, afterall it is a psychology course, but we talk about things like if we're in one of those sessions. (not that i've ever been in one. haha)
We took a test that was supposed to tell us what type of love we give to people.
-storage love: life long best friends
-agape love: partner centered
-mania love: intense feelings
-pragma love: practical
-ludus love: playful conquest
-eros love: romantic

so i took the test, and the results made me laugh.
I had almost 3 that tied. Storage and agape tied at 6 points, and mania had 7 points. eros and pragma had 4 points. hahhaha.

mania...that's funny. I mean i guess it's not that bad, but just the sound of it...makes me think i'm a little crazy. The other two were off by only 1 point, so i'm assuming i have a good mixture of all 3 types of love. The questions were kinda broad too, so....yeah.



I can't seem to get away from it. This whole love thing. It's all around me. In class, in books i reads, in movies. Pretty much everywhere. Makes me want to be in a relationship, but the more I'm learning about love, the more I realize I have a lot of growing up to do. Several attempts at other relationships have failed bc I failed to realize that i was immature when it came to relationships, period. I want to love with a love that God has, but I need him to perfect that idea more inside of me...which obviously means I need more of Him. I like that idea. I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand that learning this can span out in my whole lifetime, but I do believe there will be a point where I'm ready to take on a relationship bc I've come to a point that God needed me to be. Is that now? I don't know...maybe. If not now, I feel soon.
I feel a lot more mature this time around. I understand my failures and why I was the way I was, and I'm walking away from that learning so much. Things will be different the next time around...I'm almost sure of it. I lost a lot of fears that I had...and a lot of insecurities. I feel more confident and secure about my future.
Love does make us silly though. Especially for us girls. We do things we shouldn't and act ways we shouldn't on impulse and then later find ourselves saying "oh shit, did I just do that?" haha

Anyways. This was a nice talk. Catch you on the flip side friend. :)

Pancakes!!

I'm in houston.
TOday was very interesting. We went to a greek restaurant called niko nikos. It was REALLY good. I ate a greek chicken parmesan pita. Yummy yummy. :)

Then we went to a tattoo/peircing place. Supposedly it's rated the best in houston.
The girls got some peircings. We tried looking online bc theirs supposed to be a live webcam or something. no luck finding it though.
After being there for so long and seeing a guy get a tattoo...my urge to get another came again. But really bad. I'm contemplating on whether i should or not. We might go back tomorrow....hmmmm...what to do, what to do.

Afterwards we got lost for over an hour! it was fun though. I kept laughing.

Ok...Desi is telling us to sleep...so i must retire. Farewell friends. :)

7 minutes of heroine

Ok..i have only 7 minutes to finish a blog...let's see how skilled I am....

........................................................................................................................

I'm realizing that I can't function properly when my body is cold. If I allowed it, It'd probably shut down bc of it.

I started my new job in the past week, and I really like it.
I'm beginning to get so excited about becoming a teacher. I love the students.

I talked to my friend last night about some weird dreams I've been having. Man, did that feel good to let off my chest. I've been questioning my emotions a lot recently. I'm trying to understand myself...wondering how my mind works, and why.
I guess I need more help from God...He knows I need it.

In my human sexuality class on tues, we talked a lot about the brain.
We talked about certain areas that are responsible for a lot of our human behaviors.
I found out what part controls my mild OCD behaviors, where the story making in my head comes from, and my inability to forget anything. I remember last night how I had suppressed a lot of my childhood memories. & for the life of me I can't figure out how to do that again. I freak myself out by the fact that I rememeber soooo many things. I guess it might even be a little selective too. Grrr to me. I was thinking of that movie with ashton kutcher where they erased his memory (it was him right? lol). I wish I could do something like that. I would be fine...I promise. =p

I'm going on a road trip tomorrow morning! I'm so freakin stoked!
We might see derek webb in concert....maybe.
We're going to the renaissance festival in houston...I'm excited to get dressed up and look like a retard :)
& the actual ability to drive away from the valley again so soon....is exciting me hardcore.

Life is pretty spiffy...if I believe it is. So...I'm trying to believe it is.

God help me. Please.

goodness oh my!

I'm sleeeeeepy.
Brenda won't stop 'HAIR-ASS'ing me. :)

I'm trying to decide whether I should delete my blog or not.
Finding out that random dark people are getting links to these blogs...disturbs me. Not you morris. You're not random & your not brown. Your mocha :)

I wanted this to be a safe place. It's not feeling so safe anymore. I thought I knew who read my blogs, & I was perfectly fine with that. I hope this doesn't become a myspace type of thing. Seriously. Maybe deleting it might be a little too dramatic...but I sure might make it private.
I liked the idea that I could talk to someone that was kind of invisible. I felt like I had this friend on here that was always so eager to read what I had to say about my days. I know that's silly, but yeah.

I was thinking again today how I have a staring problem. I was telling brenda about it. I find people so interesting. I'm sorry. I'm telling you, being invisible sounds so awesome.
Like....as I'm typing this, there is this really weird guy sitting a few computers down from us. He was talking on the phone all cool in the library, and started talking about people that need to lose weight. I'm pretty sure he's alone here, but when he hung up...he sat & stared at his computer. Then he stretched is arms back, sighed, and said "man, i need to work out."
Then he started laughing all by himself and started looking at me. Was I supposed to agree with him?. I'm sooooo weirded out. &&&& he has this huge mickey mouse key chain hanging from his phone. I'm not trying to be mean...i promise. But if you were here...you'd be cracking up just as much as me and brenda.
See brenda, this is why I have a staring problem...people are so weird! yyeaaaahhhhh. haha

ok. enough blogging for one day.
good day :)

Sweet eyes & caffeine highs

I want a vanilla bean frap.
I want freedom
I want my own apartment again.
I want a car.
I want to lose weight.
I want long hair.
I want my nephew to grow to be 6 months already.
I want to see my bestfriends bc I miss them. =/
I want my person to come rescue me already. haha
I want to understand all mankind.
I want to be an orphan. seriously.
I want to have another late night beach night.
I want money. I'm broke. =/
I want the job I applied for to call me, so I can have money.
I want to learn more about God.
I want to be less like myself & more like Him, but the more I know of Him...the more I see it in me. hmmm..strange.
I want a purple dress.
I want to marry jesse engle...unless sylvia beats me to him. lol
I want to forget a lot of things I can't forget.
I want a bad memory. my cingulate gyrus is too screwed up. (it's part of your brain)
I want new memories that involve some new people.
I want to pretend it's all ok...but sometimes that's hard.
I want to the only person on earth for one day just to see what it would feel like.
I want to be invisible occasionally.
I want to stay under 25 foreverrrrrrrrrr.
I want to be a teacher already.
I want to have a baby....even if I say i don't.
I want too many things. =/

man...i sound kinda selfish now. boooo.

early morning blabbers

It's almost 9am.
I'm still recovering from the excitement of reading sylvia's new blog. lol
which means I'm kinda hyper. =O

anyways....

on the way to school this morning, I was listening to the radio (like usual)
They've been having this october scary story thing going on for a while now, and this morning's topic was childhood stories. They wanted callers to give them scary stories that parents or grandparents would give in order to make us behave or do something they wanted. So...me being me, I called. lol

If you know me or my family, the story will make a lot of sense. This is typical of them.
My grandma is a funny lady. Really...I try to understand the things that go on in this woman's head, and I never succeed. lol We used to live with her when I was growing up, and she was practically like my mom cuz mine was never around. So, when it came time to go to bed, my grandma would come in and tell me that I needed to put all my baby dolls away. For me, of course, that was preposterous! I would give her a fight and cry and ev.thing. Well...in order to get her way, my grandma told me that if I fell asleep with the dolls in my bed, they would come alive and wake me up in the middle of the night. They would ask me to make them "rice pudding" (translated). Then she would ask..."do you know how to make it?!"
of course I would say no...and was too frightened of the sight of my little dolls actually coming alive, so I would get up and throw them in the closet. She said they needed to be in the closet because then they wouldn't be able to come alive. hahahahhaha

Now that I think of it, I don't know what the big deal was about me sleeping with my dolls. Crazy grandma. lol

Another one was when she used to walk us to school. Since little kids tend to wander or run into the street, my grandma has awesome way of making us stay with her. She would tell us that this certain house we would pass by...well, she said that the devil was inside it. If we got too close, he would get us. hahahah. wow. The more i think of these stories, makes me think my grandma's a little nuts. lol

If you have any of these stories, please share :)

side note: right before I got off the car to come into school, they played my story. it's so strange hearing your own voice. Makes me want to shut up forever. lol

Dreams of the Dreamer

Last night I had a dream...& I was pregnant.
It was sooooo weird.
I was walking around the hospital...bc I was about to go into labor. haha.
& weirdly...my dad was with me. We were like all buddy buddy...which isn't the case in real life.
anyways...So I was walking around trying to figure out where I was supposed to go.
I went into several parts of the hospital...and they were checking on the baby with ultrasound and stuff.
Then I went to the elevator, and when the doors opened...I saw Mrs. Ordeman. lol
Her & pastor bob were walking into the elevator I was in...and so we started talking. She was super shocked to see I was pregnant, and I was even a little embarrassed. She said that she was there bc someone had died from church, and so they were there supporting the family and stuff. When we got out of the elevator, I saw a bunch of ppl from ICC out in the waiting area. I felt like i wanted to hide. lol Ev.one was crying and hugging each other.
Then I kept talking to Mrs. O...and I started crying too. Apparently I knew who the dad was & didn't tell him that I was having his baby. LOLOLOL.
Then crossover (the band) walked into the hospital and I looked up and saw them all. I started crying even more. lol I started telling Mrs. O that I was really happy about the baby, but that I felt so alone. Since the 'dad' didn't know about the baby, I felt like I was doing all this alone. She encouraged me to go tell him...saying that we could do it together. I was like...noooooooooooo. lol

Then I got up to go tell 'him.'

This dream was flippin weird. I don't know what it means exactly, if anything at all. But i thought it was pretty hilarious. I don't want to be pregnant. It felt so weird. haha. I felt extra bloated. haha.

anyways. yeah. that was my dream. o.O

Maximizing your manhood.

Today I had lunch with adriana and anna.
It was quite fun. We spent like almost 3 hours at peter piper's and most of it was spent talking.
I find that I really like to talk. & being with people who also really like to talk.

So the topic for today was boys.
How they are so gay. lol.
not really, but yeah.
& how girls get so gay for boys.

When you're desperate...you'll do anything.
why?...I have no idea, but you do.

We talked about a book called Maximizing your manhood....which is for christians. haha.
wait...i just found out that it's really...Manximized Manhood.
Same difference. lol

So...overall....relationships are gay.
You're gay if your in a relationship.
& will always be gay.

haha JUST KIDDING!!!

anyways. I had fun. Girl talk is always a treat. :)

Painted Red

Affection.

It's the darndest thing.
C.S Lewis says anyone/everyone can have it.
Both the attractive & unattractive people.
I think that's great.

But what happens when someone grows up without it?
That's been on my mind a lot recently.
When someone is neglected as a child and is shown practically none at all, if any affection?
I have my conclusions...
They become affectionate retards. haha
I'm being serious though...they learn to not like it.
It becomes annoying when someone you don't want to receive it from...gives it.

I've been in this situation where I realized that I have a hard time showing love to people.
I don't like for people to hug me or cuddle with me...and if I do allow them to...it's because I love them back, and because I probably waited a long time to feel comfortable.
I have to trust that they are going to love me back...affectionately. & not reject me.
(so when I want to love on you...I really mean it. it takes a lot coming from me)

I feel bad that it has become so hard to let people in sometimes.
But while realizing this issue that I have, I've also realized that I totally let God in. I don't have a problem letting Him love on me. (at least not anymore) So maybe this whole affection thing isn't that bad afterall.
I don't feel bad anymore for something I never had...because in all reality...I've had it the whole time. It has just been invisible so to speak. I might not be able to see or physically feel Him, but He lets me know when He's loving on me. I'm pretty blessed. I have the one Love that really matters, so I'm ok.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Life is so peculiar, I think.
I'm realizing that people will come and go in your life, but it's what you make of life that really matters. If I can handle people in big parts of my life coming and leaving (my dad) then I can sure as heck handle anyone else leaving too.
Life gets complicated sometimes...but it's how we handle it and look at it that makes all the difference.
Yesterday I had mixed emotions.
Part of me felt bad for how things went down, but another part of me wanted to get offended.
Well...I'm not going to do either. Both take so much energy that I can save for the real sticky situations in life. I know who I am & what's in my heart. & best of all...so does God.
So let's keep living, shall we?

:)




[also, if you read this blog, can you please leave me the email address that you use for your blog? Just put it in the comment box...I'll explain later. :) thanks!]

Fresh air

Yesterday was so weird. If you read my debbie downer blogs, I assume you saw that I was looking at life kinda negative.

Ironically, the rain did stop shortly after I wrote the last blog. Actually...it stopped as soon as I submitted it. haha
So, I went across the street & sat on a bench (even though it was wet) and just soaked in that little sense of freedom I was feeling in that moment. I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck asking questions or nagging on me about money or anything. I was alone (in one sense) and it felt very good.
I started a conversation with God. He just listened most of the time though. I think that's what I needed. I talked to Him about all the emotions I was feeling (even though he already knew each one) and I told Him things I was even a little embarrassed to tell Him. He didn't smack me on the hand or scold me...He just listened. & then He said something that made all my anxiousness disappear...."Just trust Me."

I guess maybe in that moment I forgot or failed to notice that I wasn't trusting God. I want what's not in it's time & and I wanted it badly. He's teaching me to be patient and accept that He is still ALWAYS good...even when I don't get what I want. Today's a new day...and I'm going to breath in the fresh air He's blowing my way. I'm going to be grateful even when I find it hard.

Go away

booooo.
I'm finally done printing out the 100 pages I have to read for my govt midterm...and was excited to go outside to go sit by that lake.

well, it's raining. :(

this day couldn't suck any more.

Stupid dreams

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream.
My mom actually woke me up while I was dreaming. Grrrr.
I was upset because she woke me up but also because maybe if I had slept completely through the dream...i would have had a harder time remembering it later on.

I hate stupid dreams. I hate hate hate them. I prayed about it as soon as I woke up...asked God to make me forget it. =/
Since then...I've been in a pissy mood. I don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone or anything.
People want to talk...I just want to ignore.

BTW..I'm at the public library in harlingen...it's becoming my new escape. Privacy doesn't exist at my house...so better around strangers than familiar faces.
I've been thinking a lot about how things were when I wasn't living at home.
I was a happier person then, but now...all i feel is like someone I don't really know.
I'm very quiet these days. Keep to myself a lot. & have even noticed that I talk to myself.
Am I going crazy? BC i sure feel like i am.

I watched Pride & Prejudice last night. I freakin love that movie & I've concluded that it's my favorite. :)
except...after watching it I wanted to be in love. Not so sure that was a good idea afterall. =/
I want to meet someone already. I want to move out of my house. I NEED to move out of my house. Those people are beginning to drive me crazy. I just want to live my life with someone soon. Not so sure anymore if the valley even has anyone worth considering. I don't see anyone even worth wasting my time on. lol I don't mean to be so negative...it's just....the truth i guess. My chances of moving somewhere else have been looking slim. I think this is where all this stupid thinking started. I feel like I have no hope if I stay where I'm at. & I don't like feeling hopeless. I do believe that I have a great future ahead of me...but I think I'm just so frustrated that my future is not now. I'm frustrated in the present & mad at my future for not being here. Too bad they're not ppl bc then I'd have to give them a peice of my mind. =p
If I had money and a car...I'd be gone already. So hopefully both of those get here fast...so I can just go.

In that book i've been reading, I realized that love usually stirs up between people who have things in common. Is that why it's so hard to love my family? Bc we have NOTHING but blood in common? I find that there's nothing to say to them. I have nothing to share with them. & when I do, they don't seem to care one bit. They seem so uninterested in anything I have to say. So getting excited about something new seems pointless. They just stare at me like they have no idea what i'm talking about. ugh. I hate this. =[

There is a lake next to the library...I think I'm going to go sit by it and just talk with God. He's the only one who understands my emotions. Maybe He'll give me some insight. He knows I need it. =/

(Please don't comment me trying to tell me everything is going to be ok or things will get better. I'll just be more annoyed. I didn't write this to get feedback. Just to vent on every emotion that I have no one to tell. )--thanks.

Let it be known, Lord

I'm reading this really awesome book called The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.
I'm really into it. Has anyone else read it?
I can't help but comment on how brilliant this man is. I love how he thinks and how he writes.
If I wasn't a biology major, I so would have majored in english. I love writing.
I bought the book in good old kansas city at this really neat bookstore. It's been sitting there since i got back to the valley...and the other day i was eager to start reading it. I'm glad i did. :)

on a side note:
Before I even began reading it, I've been thinking a lot about writing a book. I'm not sure how this whole book writing thing works, but I feel really led to just start one. I'm not even sure what I want to write about...I just really want to write. I've been praying and asking the Lord to give me something...anything...as long as I can glorify Him. so i guess we'll see. :)

On thursday I did something really cool. Brenda and I met this man in harlingen that was carrying a huge cross across the valley. He was walking through the towns and it had red writing on it.
It encouraged us to go buy posterboards and write scriptures or encouragements on them. Then we went to a very busy street intersection in harlingen and held up the signs during 5 o'clock traffic. I've never done anything like that....but it was really cool. I want to make it something that I do every week...even if no one goes with me.
My heart has been crying out for the nation a lot lately. I've been praying that it can never be said that I never did anything to impact this nation. Even if it's as small as standing on a street corner...I want to make a difference somehow. Just living isn't enough for me...afterall, it's not my life to live anyway.
SO if anyone is interested in joining us...let me know. It was a lot of fun. =D

I'm learning a lot about love. There is so much to it and to us. I'm being blown away each day by GOd. He is so faithful. I'm really in love. I feel so content. So peaceful. So safe.
I can see the Lord's promises coming to pass the more I devote myself to Him. Just when I thought I should give up on them....He comes in like a consuming fire to set me straight. He never changes...even if I do. How awesome is that.

Be encouraged. God is good. :)

Huge Hugo

I've had a splendid week.

Today I went to the beach & did something I've always wanted to do...but never have.
I rolled down a hill. THat's right. A HILL.
& I did it like 4 times.
I have battle scars...a few scratches and even a head injury, but ask me if i'd do it again. HECK YES I WOULD! :)

Now i'm off to have a nice little sleepover at mi casa :)

peace homies.

Grieving heart

Today I had my human sexuality class....and I came out feeling really weird.
We were talking about sexual mutilation among women in other countries.
Then...we watched a movie that showed some graphic stuff.

My spirit feels like it's grieving. =/
Little girls are being castrated because of "custom" or "tradition"
they rarely use anesthesia and they have no choice.

There was a story about a woman from nigeria who moved to the US to save her 2 daughters from having to go through the same thing she did. It was really sad.

I did and still do feel like crying.

God help those little babies. Please bring justice to your children. Please. :(

Thankful

I've been in a very 'grateful' mood lately.

I'm grateful to God for all that He does.

I'm grateful for all the real friends He places in my life.

I'm grateful to be alive.

I'm grateful to have His joy.

I'm grateful for my past, present and future.

so yeah.

<33

I'm pissed.

but I don't want to waste my energy on some idiot who goes on a psychopathic trip.

So...I won't.

I have better things to do.