Life

I've been so bogged down lately. I had a depressed day a couple of days ago. I woke up feeling very unhappy. I want my life to be what I had always dreamed it to be. I don't mind being a teacher...that's not the issue. It's where I work! I would absolutely love to be able to actually teach. At my school...my days are mostly babysitting days. It's sad and unfortunate but very much reality for me right now. I'm trying to deal with it all, but some days are just so damn hard! Don't be mistaken, I completely LOVE my students. They are all individuals...each one of them is so different but special in their own way. I wish I could dedicate more attention to them tho....they are starved of it. Most of my students are growing up in a world that did not welcome them with open arms. They are living lives of corruptness and crime. I've talked to a lot of them about this...they've shared their stories. Many of times I've cried at home bc of it....wouldnt be strong of me to show that emotion when they tell me their stories. I have to be strong. I have to! If I'm not strong for them, and everyone around them is yelling and putting them down, where are they to go? Who will listen? From what I hear...it's absolutely no one. Some of my best students are the worst trouble makers on campus. Poke at them and yell...they will not listen. I don't think it was a mistake taking this job. I don't regret it one day. It's just a lot to handle and deal with. Sometimes I feel 10 years older than I really am...I have to snap back to reality tho.

David, my love, is the best thing I have going for me right now. I love him so much, it's insane. I have so much passion for this guy! He's truly the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. We hardly put any effort into this relationship, and it works so amazingly. Odd. I want to be with him forever. It's been over 6 months now, yet it feels like years! I love how he loves me. <3

SO....you see, there are no true regrets for how my life is turning out. I just have to appreciate the things around me. I hope my kiddos remember me when they are older. I hope they remember the advice and the wisdom I share with them. I hope David will be by my side then too.

You are strong erika....believe it. <3

Love like this < 3

Since my last blog entry, the guy has officially become my boyfriend. Best thing that's happened to me in a long time. My last relationship was about 2 years prior to this, and it was shit. lol.
This guy really loves me. I believe him...I see it in him. I feel it from him. Don't think anyone's loved me like this before. I adore him!

He's my boyfriend and my bestfriend. I think this is really headed somewhere. God, i hope I don't screw this up. I need to stay away from some people...things will only end bad if I do. What don't they understand about the fact that I have a boyfriend?! I'm taken, please leave me alone....all of you!

My baby is home today. He took the day off from work. He needs it! Can't wait to go home and visit him for lunch :) Valentines' day is coming soon! He's gonna make this year so special....

As the time flew....

So much time has passed us by. How did i get where i'm at? when did this all happen?? Was I sleeping or very much aware of what was going on?

I love him. I love him more than I think I've ever loved a guy before. It hurts though. Never thought I could love someone so much that it hurts. I know he loves me too. Strangest part is that it's only been 4 months.! 4 months was all it took to make us feel like we've been together for years. I don't remember the last day I went w/o seeing him. lol. It's driving him a little crazy though...he didnt expect this to happen. He's so drawn to me that it's making him frustrated. I like it :)

I miss all my friends though. It saddens me that I havent seen anyone in a while. I'm not doing it purposely though, i promise. Ive just been so wrapped in work and him. I need to breath. I want to breath. I want to remember that I had a life of my own once. I realized how dependent I am on him. If he leaves, I don't know what I'd do. that scares me a lot. I need to take a breath and join the world again...just to remind myself that I once existed independently. It's been a few hours, and I already miss him. WHat the heck is wrong with me!? lol I think I've found HIM. God, I hope i've found him.........

Does love really wait?

My schedule is so crazy since work started. I don't have many friends to talk to...and I keep hoping that they understand how hectic everything has been. I hate feeling like a bad friend, but this transition in my life is just so much for me. I love work. I love my kids, even when they are being pains in my butt! haha. But seriously, my job is so satisfying. I really do feel that I'm making a difference in their lives, and that is an amazing feeling. Some days are hard, and yes, I still come home at times and cry. But at the end of the day and your walking down the hall to go home, and kids are yelling " I love you Ms. ELizondo!"...it just melts your heart. I love them so much...i feel like I have 120 kids of my own. hhaa. it's even weirder bc I'm still so young. SO...that's how work is going. :)


Now...for my love story: Things are getting more involved. I'm still falling in love every single day. It's crazy. I had this idea yesterday that I feel like it's possible to love this guy forever. I know it hasn't been super long that we've been involved, but it's happening so fast! for the both of us! He spilled his heart to me last night as we munched out on pizza. lol. Told me how he's always thinking about me and can't take me out of his mind. He's in class teaching and little things I do pop into his head. :) Even science nerdy techniques I do...he changes from his old methods to mine! He treats me sooo good. He spoils me every single day and I love it! I'm still so scared though. What if this doesn't work out. what if we're both giving and giving and giving our hearts, and it goes no where. He wants to be with me....he can see himself marrying me, but I can't understand why he's still waiting to make it official with me. I'm having the hardest time waiting, but he told me last night that he loves how I'm being soooo patient about it all. It shows him more of my character and willingness to wait for him. If only he know what was going on inside me!! lol. I knew he was coming...i really did. I felt it deep down. He's everything I want and maybe a little more. He's the exact image of what I've always asked for in a guy. Even down to the little selfish things I want. He's white, blue eyes, taller than me, super funny, super goofy, wants to be a doctor, was a bio major too, and went to the same HIGH SCHOOL and college as me! Sometimes I think I'm in a dream. How can something so random but not random happen to me? I'm praying that I don't get too attached yet...bc we've admitted that we both are. He was here yesterday for 8 whole hours after work. That's crazy!! Time flies and we don't even notice it. lol.
Anyways...I just felt like expressing all these feelings I'm holding inside. No one really knows much bc I don't have a lot of ppl around to tell. It feels good to just release it. :)

Thanks for reading blogger friend :D

Music notes beat through my heart

I love music. I can sit in my room and soak it up and be so tranquil and just be. I love it so much. Almost too much. I feel it through my body. I feel like it's part of me. Weird...i don't know when exactly this happened, but it did. Lately, it's been where I run when I've had too much. Probably shouldnt be like that, but it is. I'm going tonight to hear this awesome DJ Shawn Mitiska. I'm a little excited and little scared. My kids will be there...hopefully no one sees me. haha.

On a different note, I've been doing really good about my heart situation. I think I'm getting tired of waiting and he saw that in me today. I'm just gonna keep living and moving and breathing. I don't want anyone to stop me or slow me down. Being w/o him is ok. :)

When did I fall?

I didn't mean to. I really didn't ever expect to either.
But here I am...standing with a whole left where my heart used to be. I think I want it back. I'm scared, really scared. I didn't expect to fall for him. Weirdest part is that we're like the same person...only we're not. I love everything about him. Even the cockiness of his personality. The only thing is that I'm not sure that either of us is ready for this right now in our lives. How do u fall in love with someone and know perfectly well you shouldn't be? I'm so confused. He's asking me to wait for him. How long is that though? how long does he need to continue his lifestyle that I want out? I need to make some really tough decisions. I need to decide if its worth staying for. What if he does the same thing to me that he's done to her. What if his commitment is never really a commitment? Gosh...i wish love wasn't so scary. I need wisdom. I need to stop giving myself to him until I'm sure he's the one I need to be giving it to. WIsh i could fast foward time. ::sigh::

Cloudy days

Man yesterday was a weird day. I was on the brink of feeling depressed and actually going through with it. I haven't really been able to feel much the past few months. I think I purposely let my heart get cold/hard. But somehow, the last few days I've been able to feel again. It's good, but on my way to work yestereday I almost had a panic attack. It was as if all the past months flashed before my eyes and I was so overwhelmed with myself. I don't know who I've become or why I've become this person. In that moment I was regretting several things I've done that lacked so much dignity and integrity that I once had. I miss that girl who held her spirits high and was confidant in herself. Just realizing how people have the ability to throw you down and take it from you sucks. I want to get back to that place where I am Amerika again. The amerika that believed she was so awesome and great. It was such a good feeling. lol.

Anyways...luis hungout with me last night and that really helped me snap out of the depressing state I wanted to sink into. I always have so much fun with him. We sat in the "wild woods" and just talked. I'm not sure I've had that much fun just talking with someone in a long time. We were there from 7:00-11:30 last night. haha Learning about people is so interesting. Luis thinks I'm hilarious/weird but it's funny. He was being so silly last night (he kept yelling "I feel so siiiillly!!" lol). I was getting a kick out of him. We talked about God. That's always great. We're kinda on the same page as far as that goes, and it's actually kind of comforting. God is good. Even if I never say it or act upon it, He is always good. :)

Good day :)